Secret Agent Josephine

Things are getting boring here on this blog. So I think it’s time for another update on the PREGNANCY WATCH 2006! [insert suspenseful new-breaking theme music]

Hmmm… well, I’m feeling big and fat and awkward. No new news on that front.

I’ve come to the conclusion that somebody should invent an arm extender for pregnant women. I know they have extender arms for grabbing and getting items off top shelves, but I need something I can use to I can put lotion on my legs. Maybe somebody could invent a soft version with massaging capabilities. Is that possible?

I can’t reach my feet or ankles because my giant beach ball belly is always in my way! I have to hold my breath and squeeze my baby just to reach my knees. The lower half of my body is feeling very neglected! Shaving? What’s that? If I can’t see the hair, then it’s not there. Every day I day dream of going to a spa and getting the works done. If I was having back pain or shoulder tension, I’d already justify spending the money but I’m feeling surprisingly pretty good. I just want to pay somebody to help me take care of myself. I never wanted a bikini wax before but lately… I’m thinking I might be up for the pain. I just feel like I’m letting myself go.

Little things, like picking up toys off the floor when I babysit, really do me in too. I know, I know… I should tell the little munchkins to put their own toys away. And believe me, I do. But they just aren’t as efficient at cleaning up as I am. If I left the clean up process to them, they’d be up three hours past their bedtime and the house would still be a mess when their parents got home. I’m sure when it’s my own kids I’ll be scolding and screaming and laying down the law but with other people’s kids… I just can’t do it. So I huff and I puff and I’m probably going to have a misshapen baby because I keep squeezing her so much.

Actually I’m having a very average baby and the squeezing seems to be having no adverse effect, good thing.

You know how my doctor never ever volunteers any interesting information unless I extract it from her with a million probing questions? You know how she barely says anything and I always feel like such a dork asking so many questions? Well, at my latest visit I got a gem of information. An absolute gem that I’ve been savoring for days!

I was telling her that I feel like I’m extra big for how many months along I am and how some friends of mine (who are due before me) are actually smaller than me. I told her I was worried that I was having a TEN POUND baby because that would be the only explanation for this GIGANTIC belly that is constantly in my way. She laughed at me like she always does and checked my file. “No,” she says looking over her librarian glasses, “you are having a very average baby. She’s in the 52nd percentile and you can’t get much more average than that.”

My baby is in the 52nd percentile! Well, how about that! I’m having a totally normal, on schedule, average size baby. Not too big, not too small but juuuuuuuuuust riiiiiiiiiight. Hmmm… I guess I’ll be pondering that for the next two weeks until my next appointment. We’re just full of exciting news around here.

Something else happened that is somewhat newsworthy to me. I think I should put it below the fold because I think some readers (who are not old-hat-experienced-mothers) will find it gross and disgusting. I find it absolutely fascinating.

I was reading something about breast feeding and how your colostrum kicks in during the third trimester. This was interesting news to me because even though my boobs have been getting bigger and I now sport some fancy stretch marks that look like racing stripes on the sides of them, nothing much has been happening in that area. Especially any kind of liquid coming out. It says in the article to squeeze your nipples to see if you have any trouble with your nipples extending outwards. Apparently some women suffer from inverted nipples. This squeezing motion will simulate the baby sucking.

So since I’m up at the crack of dawn and I have the whole house to myself, I decide to do some squeezing to see if I’m going to suffer from any inversion. AND GUESS WHAT!! Nothings wrong with me! Something came out in fact! Little drops of yellow stuff! I’m totally turning into a mom already!!!! I’m really going to do this! My boobs make stuff.

Crazy.