• Life Lessons,  spilling my guts,  The Desert,  the dogs,  travel

    Texas Bound

    texas-bound

    The beauty of my new lifestyle is that I have so much more time! When Bug moved out, I found myself with hours of free time. I didn’t have to pick her up from work, take her to school, or drive all over the OC for all her various errands. I thought that was great. I missed her, but I loved my newfound freedom. Then, I moved to the Sticks and had to quit my part-time job. My freelance jobs trickled down to odd jobs here and there, and then I had even more time. I clean houses and help my parents, but I can make my schedule. It’s almost like being retired. Retired without an income. You know how it goes: you either have time or money but never both simultaneously.

    This wealth of time has become especially relevant with my latest predicament with my parents’ HOA and my dog, Cody.  A little backstory for anyone who isn’t tuned into my Instagram feed: My parents and I have been balls of anxiety about what to do with Cody since I moved in with them in January. My Dad had written a letter to the board in November asking if I could be allowed to live in their (55+) retirement community as a caregiver for my mother. We’d heard lots of individual opinions about Cody being accepted as an emotional support animal from various board members but hadn’t gotten an official ruling.

    Since I had no money to pay my rent, I was forced to couch surf or move in with my parents. I put half of my stuff in a friend’s storage unit and stayed as a guest with my parents until we heard whether I’d be allowed to move in.  It was weeks of not knowing. Finally, we heard there was a ruling, but my thirty days as a guest were running out. I had one more day and no letter of a decision.  It was nerve-wracking.

    So I decided to take matters into my own hands and walked across the street to the secretary of the board’s house to ask her myself. At this point, I felt that any news would be better than no news. I couldn’t handle the suspense anymore.

    The secretary was very nice and told me that the good news was that I was approved to stay as a caregiver. The bad news was that caregivers didn’t have the same rights as residents, and the emotional support animal rule did not apply. I was defeated. I had a lot of evil thoughts about what to do about this seemingly ridiculous rule, but my parents have been in violation of their HOA rules for having too many pets since the day they moved in. I didn’t feel like I was in a position to fight a fight that would put my parents at risk. So sad, too bad.

    shine-bright-you-beautiful-firework

    I took all my pent-up emotion and decided to channel it into an epic road trip with just Cody and me to Texas to visit my brother and take him up on his offer to rehome Cody until I could reclaim him.  I do love a good road trip, and there is no better way to work through your dark feelings than lots of alone time on the road.  I booked a super cute hotel in Tuscon and set out immediately.

    hotel-mccoy

    I am a sucker for cute hotels. I would be a happy camper if I could travel full-time, take pictures, and have adventures. Cody and I had the best time. He is an ideal travel companion. He keeps me safe. He doesn’t say much, and he’s perfectly content to ride quietly in the back for hours and hours. He loves rest areas and taking walks to stretch his legs. He loves to go wherever I go and follows me quickly without a leash. I adore him.

    cody-travels-to-Tuscon

    The long drive with Cody only cemented how much I love him and what a great dog he is. It didn’t make it easier to accept that I would be leaving him soon. It breaks my heart to think about him missing me. We are each other’s emotional support companions. He’s seen me through so many dark times. And because I’ve spent so much one-on-one time with him, he distresses easily when he’s not near me.  This is a tricky thing. I know he will be loved and well cared for by my brother and his wife. My brother’s wife has already bought him special high-protein dog food and a big fluffy bed and promised to take him to the vet (which I can’t afford right now). But Cody will have to learn how to be a dog again. He’s going to be part of a pack of dogs now. He still gets to be an inside dog and get lots of attention, but my brother and his wife are not me.  I’ve spoiled him rotten.

    cody-in-the-scrub

    I’m staying for the week to help with the transition process. This is mainly for me so that I can be okay. I need to know that he’s going to be OK. I will worry myself sick thinking up scenarios where he’s neglected or left alone, left in the weather, or picked on by the other dogs.

    So far, he’s doing great. He loves the other dogs, and I see a playful side of him that is usually reserved for me and his rope toy. I think he will bond with his new family (which includes Momo!). He’ll mope, I’m sure, and miss all the treats I give him that I’m not supposed to, but he will be cared for. He’s going to the vet to get his tumors looked at, which I’ve been worrying about but haven’t been able to afford to get looked at yet.

    codys-new-home

    It’s going to be okay. I plan to visit him in April, and I’m daydreaming about taking him on an even longer road trip this summer if I can pull it off.

    Just you and me, Codes. Just you and me.

  • aging parents,  Family Matters,  Lemon Week,  Life Lessons,  Slow Living,  spilling my guts,  the sticks

    Bright New Beginnings

    morning-bright

    I’ve been sad for so long. It was my normal. I could “I’m fine” my way through it and even fool myself when I wasn’t fine at all. Every day, I had this lead feeling in my chest about this or that perceived failure. I feel like I’m finally stopping and catching my breath, and I can feel that heavy feeling lifting. I feel happiness creeping in more and more. I think I’m finally going to be okay and start getting better. I don’t want to taunt fate but I feel like I finally reached bottom and the only way is up now. Up is looking really possible. Every morning I wake up feeling optimistic. The sun is literally shining on me every day and I am recharging my batteries.

    brrrrrrr

    Freezing cold sun, though! It’s okay. I finally get to wear all the jackets, coats, and sweaters I never wore while living near the ocean. I live in the high desert now, and it gets below-freezing some nights. I know this is nothing compared to what other parts of the country deal with, but for me, it is chilly!  But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the cold sunrises. I bundle up and drink it in.

    lemon-season

    This is a picture post but I do have a bigger point I will get to at the bottom. I just wanted to share the lemons I’ve been picking. One day I got a bug up my butt and trimmed some bushes in the backyard that were hanging over the fence. I worked up an actual sweat and rewarded myself with real homemade lemonade. There is nothing like fresh, homemade lemonade after a sweaty task. I drank three glasses in a row.

    lemon-cookies

    Later, I made these lemon cookies for the neighbors, who kindly lent me a backup battery to charge my phone when the power was out for three days. It’s fun to be baking again. But get this: my parent’s oven is awful! Figures. Now, when I have all the time in the world and can bake because it’s a great way to heat the house, their oven doesn’t work properly. There is something wrong with the thermostat, and it takes forever to get to the temperature. If I want to bake at 350, I have to set it to 400 and wait half an hour for it to get hot enough. It’s okay, though. I’ll get used to it.

    fire-scare

    One day, I walked out to the backyard to watch the sunset and saw tell-tale smoke. This is why the power has been shut off so often lately. We’re lucky if we can get through three days without it shutting off. But I’m thankful. My parents live in a high-risk fire area. I’d rather pretend I’m camping Little-House-on-the-Prairie-style any day than deal with evacuation and losing everything. Thankfully, the fire was across town, and the wind was blowing in the opposite direction, so we didn’t have to evacuate. But it was scary. Smoke and flames strike fear in all of us.

    windy-sunrise

    That night the winds were fierce. All night I heard them blowing and the sounds of metal stretching.

    wind-damage

    The next day, Cody and I walked around the neighborhood and saw all the damage. The windmill in our backyard unscrewed itself. A battery off my dad’s chop saw flew across the patio, and tree branches were everywhere. Patio chairs were in the street, trash cans were tipped and blown, and tumbleweeds were wedged into places they don’t normally go. It made me thankful for a solid safe house to sleep in.

    rain-after-fire

    That brings me to my big point: I am really thankful to my parents for the shelter and love they are giving me right now. They are so happy to have someone cook and clean; I am glad to do that. Finally, I feel appreciated for doing something easy and it comes naturally. I love projects. I love home makeovers. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when cleaning and cooking. I’ve given myself the grace to take it easy and start over. Of course, my money problems are far from over, but I don’t have to worry about being evicted. The worst has already happened, and I’m okay. All the late fees and overdraft notices have come, and I’m still alive. There is peace in giving up. I’ve done my best. I gave it the best fight I could.

    I’m so lucky to have a safety net to fall into. I didn’t think I would. I thought I was on my own. My parents were always the ones struggling, and I used to help them, but now the tables have turned, and they are helping me. There is something so wonderful about being taken in by your own family. I don’t mean to be bragging about it when I know so many people don’t have family who love them unconditionally. I thought I was so poor. I thought I was a failure, but this huge lesson has taught me how rich I am. I’ve learned the most significant lesson. Finally, I see what so many people have been trying to tell me. I have so much to be thankful for.

    care-giving

    I like being a caregiver. I always have been, from super auntie to mommy blogger extraordinaire to empty-nest pet owner… This is me. Now I’m caring for my parents and am good at it! I’m sure we’ll have our hurdles, and I’ll be thankful for my quick trips to visit Matt and other friends, but I can feel my depression lifting. I’m excited about building my way back.

    weary-optimism

    I have hope.