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Day Twenty-nine: Tales from the Road Day
I spent a lot of time on the road today. I’ve been driving around desperately seeking the world’s most perfect envelope to send out the gift tags. I want something tough, yet small and cheap. So far, nothing exists that doesn’t push my shipping costs up over a dollar. And we can’t have that now since I’ve already set the price and a bunch of you have taken advantage of my generous low prices. (I try.)
Ideally, I’d have something made out of tyvek that is the size of an A2 envelope. But now that I’ve researched tyvek, I’m convinced it is evil. Apparently, it’s the plastic that will never ever break down until the end of time. I don’t really want to give you that kind of gift that keeps on giving.
Maybe I could make my own Frankenstein envelopes. That would be really cool but would also require a lot of time and right now I need to get those tags out pronto for all of you celebrating hanukkah! I’m probably just going to end up with a regular paper envelope reinforced with packing tape. Don’t worry though, I’ll decorate it with a pretty label. I stand by my graphic designer honor badge and refuse to send out ugly mail. (Not counting all those years I designed junk mail of course.)
So anyway, a road story. Baby Bug and I have been listening to a Wiggle’s cd lately, thanks to her Auntie CC. Toby hates the catchy tunes that get stuck in your head for months but Baby Bug and I love them. There is one song on cd called “Where is Thumbkin”. I can’t find a Wiggles link right now but here is a you tube link that will give you the idea of the song.
Baby Bug and I were singing away, doing all the motions (yes, while I was driving expertly) and then we came to “Tall One”. You know, the middle finger? So I’m singing away and we stop at a stop light and there I am wiggling my middle fingers at everyone stopped across the intersection. Immediately, I realized that people were watching me and I looked like I was flipping them the bird in a I’m-super-happy-and-on-crack sort of way. I guess that’s better than road rage but I’m sure everyone who saw me thought I was either a mom or completely whacko.
Speaking of Whacko… this struck-over-the-head-with-reality feeling reminds me of the time I was strollering down Pacific Coast Highway describing to my mom on my cell phone how Toby thinks eating puffed up cranberries in baked goods can sometimes seem like popping bug abdomens in your mouth.
I’m so tacky like that. Blabbing away, completely ignorant to all the people around me. Well, right when I got to the part about squishing and squirting, my cell phone connection cut off and there I was standing at a cross walk talking to the air. And THEN I noticed there were other people around me, also waiting for the crosswalk light to change, who were staring at me and hanging onto every word. Ugh. I need a lobotomy.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER THING! I addressed a Christmas card to an old friend (who has seriously been married like five years or something) with her maiden name and THEN I signed it “Toby and Brenda and Brenda”. Sorry Baby Bug. Mommy is officially losing it. Ga-dunka dunk dah. I’ll be here all week.
That is all the stupidity material I have for today but if you enjoyed that, stay tuned. I’m sure there is way more where it came from.
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Day Seven
Once upon a time there was a blogger who fell asleep while putting her baby/toddler to bed. Maybe she should not be laying down to help her toddler to sleep, you say? And maybe you are right but nonetheless this is what this blogger does because she likes to spend quiet moments with her toddler and she is always tired all the live long day.
Every night she falls asleep with her toddler and then she wakes with a fright at 10:45 because the cat yowled or something and she jumps up and freaks out because she has yet to write a stupid dumb nablowpomo-gumbo-shoe-blow-a-go-go post. She thinks it is 11:45 because of course she has not yet fixed her clock to reflect the time change that has taken place so she is sorely afraid she has failed the great stupid dumb nablowpomo-gumbo-shoe-blow-a-go-go contest she has so stupidly joined.
So she rushes out to her computer and groggily types up some kind of pathetic dribble that nobody wants to read and vows that she will never ever join such a silly contest again because, really, what is the point? Nobody wants to read this sort of crap.
The end.
But then she remembers the silly iced tea story she wanted to tell but decides she is way too tired to write it properly and decides to tease her readers with it instead. Which they are surely tired of, since she teases them all the time with posts that she never gets around to writing. But let me just say that it is very funny and it involves a purse and the contents of a purse and good old fashioned bad luck.
At the stroke of 11:29, the poor blogger is attacked by the bad punctuation monster and dies a horribly bloody death. BUT yet, just before she gasps her last strangled breath, she reaches over and hits publish and up goes her post onto the world wide internet. By sheer luck and bad taste she has posted and not broken the great stupid dumb nablowpomo-gumbo-shoe-blow-a-go-go spell. Which by the way, is not stupid or dumb or blowing for all those other prolific and wonderful writerly bloggers. They are quite brilliant, in fact.
The end, the end!
