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the month I hid
Hiding from your blog and social media is nothing new to me. I’ve done it before. Life gets hard; you want to hide from the world. You know how it is, especially for people like me who are supreme people pleasers that can’t handle criticism. I’ve been working on this my whole life, and I thought I’d tackled my worst demons, but they came back in April with a vengeance.
This time I thought about shutting it all down for good. I was going to. I liked the idea of a simple private life. My niece, Rapunzel, and Bug telling me not to for their sake pushed me back. I’ve had a tough month. Work has been arduous, and my trip to Amsterdam ended disastrously. I lost some friendships that meant a lot to me.
I’d love to spill the whole story. I’d love for everyone to chime in and tell me that I did nothing wrong and they don’t deserve me, but it’s not fair to them. I can’t paint a clear picture because I don’t know what really happened. I’m sad and it’s going to take me a long time to get over it. So I can’t write about my Amsterdam trip. It was really fun and I saw a million cool things but right now all I can think about are my hurt feelings so I start and stop and never write anything.
Work has been hard too. Growing pains, corporate politics, learning Microsoft when I’ve worked in Adobe for 500 years. I love my job and I think I’m doing well but you know, I worry about getting fired every other minute. It’s a big culture change for me to not be my own boss. I make so many mistakes. Stupid silly mistakes too. But I also work with people I really like and I’m learning so much.
Kady comforts me. She also annoys me by constantly putting her wet nose on my face, nudging my glasses sideways by trying to pet herself with them, and licking me on the mouth (ew!). Does anyone want an aggressively cuddly cat? Just kidding. I wouldn’t part with her for the world.
Weekends are a new novelty for me. Remember when I would proudly proclaim that every day is Monday and every day is Saturday when you are a freelancer? Now every day feels like Monday, and weekends feel like a mad-dash marathon chore-fest with two minutes of vacation. I savor what I can but I miss my coffee dates, gardening, staring at the golf course, doing laundry whenever I feel like it, clean sinks without dishes, sewing, cooking… yeah, all that stuff. I miss it. But it sure is nice being able to pay my bills. As Kate Moss says, nothing tastes as good as having money feels. Or something like that.
(vase by Bug)
April has also been a busy month for visitors. My fairy godmother, Susan, came to visit. She’s so fun. She took Bug and I shopping at Ross. She always does this. It’s her love language. I bought a bunch of work clothes and Bug bought candy and shampoo. Then we took Susan to the Anaheim Packing District and ate like foodies who’d never heard of calorie restrictions.
We especially love the lanterns
Then this last week, Matt came to visit! We took him down to Doheny Beach, where my parents were camping with Cody (and their cats!), and we had a nice turkey burger dinner that my dad cooked. The weather was crappy, but I love a beach campfire when it’s chilly. We sipped Topo Chico “cheerleader beers” and then had hot chocolate and roasted marshmallows for dessert. It was really fun.
My parents are testing out their camper (Did I tell that whole story about how it got stolen and then they got it back? I need to go dive in the archives and find that story.) because they are taking it to Texas next month for my brother’s wedding. Then they are traveling across the country to a Christian camp in Wyoming and then to harvest in Idaho (my Dad always drives trucks for his family’s beet farm) until November. Cody is living the life! He’s going to have the best summer ever. Camping and hanging out on a farm with lots of kids and room to run. I’m jealous.
And now you are all caught up! How do you like the new blog template? I did it all myself this time, which is why it’s a bit wonky here and there. I don’t love the portfolio template, but… it’s gonna have to do until I find some of that mysteriously elusive free time. I also really need to update my crusty old About pages.
Ta ta!
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I’m still alive!
I’m still here I promise! I just got clobbered with too much work. I’ve been gasping for air whenever I can but that leaves no room for extras like blogging. I was desperate for work so I asked everyone I knew and it all came flying in. Feast or famine! But I’m very thankful. As long as I keep the pipeline full I’ll be able to pay my bills. Them’s the breaks for a freelancer. You can never really relax. But you also can drum up work pretty easily when things get lean.
First off, I finished my first beginning sewing class in the Fashion Design certificate program I’m going for at our local community college. It was super easy and I aced it. I can now make totes, aprons and pajama pants from memory. If you’re family, that’s what you can expect for Christmas.
Did I tell you about the courtesy clerk job at Ralphs? It was such a social experiment for me. While I loved it, it quickly became clear that it was way too hard on my body for way too few dollars. I’ve been exhausted every day after my shift and found it nearly impossible to sit at my desk and continue my regular work that actually pays the bills. No Bueno. I put in my two-week notice and my last day is November 10th. I’m kinda sad to leave because I loved it. I love the people. I love chatting to customers in quick little non-commital snippets as they go through the checkout line. I love working so hard that I don’t have to think about working out and I can eat anything I like and still lose weight. It was really fun. But it also was really physically demanding and I know it’s only a matter of time before I injure myself. Lifting heavy pumpkins from counter height to a cart and then lowering them at an awkward angle was just asking for another Dr. Pepper ice pack necessitating back spasm. I don’t want to go through that again. So I’m cutting my losses and saying goodbye. But I’m also leaving on good terms in case I ever get another itch to work blue-collar again. There is something super satisfying about clocking in an honest day of hard work.
Things with Matt are still going really well. (Would I tell you if they weren’t? Nope.) But they are good. We had a really fun weekend in LA with trips to LACMA and Nobu where I tried wagyu beef for the very first time. I had NO IDEA steak could taste like bacon and drippy popcorn butter at the same time. It was mind-blowing. No wonder it costs so much. Definitely a treat I won’t be having regularly. I do like being spoiled though. The weekend was over so quickly. Now I’m anxiously looking forward to our next trip. Long-distance relationships are tricky but they do have their perks.
Back at home Autumn has been showing up and showing out. I LOVE October so much! It’s so pretty. Just when it seemed like summer was going to last forever it got delightfully chilly. It’s been lovely to sit on my patio and sip hot chocolate, wear sweaters and cuddle up in a blanket. The sunrises have been amazing. I’m so glad I’m a morning person and I can catch them by the lake.
This one really killed it. It didn’t even look like much until I got up to the lake and focused on the reflection. Reflections make my happy bells go off. What is it? Do our minds love symmetry? I don’t know but give me a pretty view and add a reflection and I’ll get you a better picture.
I love my morning walks. They offset the madness that is the rest of my life. I can’t go on them daily while I’m still working at Ralphs (my early shift starts at 5 am) but I squeeze at least two in a week. They are the reason I’m feeling good.
Next up are all the concerts we’ve been going to. No wonder I’m feeling ragged! You can’t get up early like a workaholic and then stay up late and party like a rockstar too. Not good for you! But it was fun.
First I dragged Bug to Harry Styles. She is not a fan but she humored me. I got really good tickets which was a nice surprise. I’m used to the nosebleeds. All those canceled events in 2020 are finally paying off in credits for new shows.
It was a great show. Harry truly is a showman. All the girls screaming around us kinda made it hard to hear anything. My ears were ringing for hours afterward. But it was worth it. It was a lively event and I’ll always remember the fun it all was. I love that people can still be playful and lighthearted in a heavy heavy world.
Two nights later it was Bug’s turn to take me to see one of her favorite bands: The Garden. I’m not a fan. There are a few songs I like but the rest sounds like trash cans being banged together to me. But since she suffered through a pop concert for me, I can sit through a punk concert for her. It was also lively and fun. I loved people-watching. Everyone had make-up on like Bug. She’s found her people.
We took this shot at a church nearby the Fox Theatre where The Garden was playing. It was black and white and reminded me of a very very humble and small version of the Duomo in Florence.
Then inside the theatre, it was chaos. Black and white jester-faced chaos.
I got to explore the theatre which is like many old theatres: full of really cool art deco details and pretty staircases that lead to abandoned back rooms. I’m surprised it was open as much as it was. Inside the tower was a room that looked like a VIP room with velvet couches and pillows… but it was completely dark. I got up the guts to go inside and turn on my phone flashlight but the extremely high ceiling kinda gave me agoraphobia.
That’s pretty much it for October. I haven’t been able to do all the fun fall things we usually do because I’m a working woman and I have no time for domesticity. But I do have high hopes for November!