-
Coffee isn’t helping anymore
I’m actually blogging with a box over my head. If you could only see me. It’s a little hot and breathy in here but I can see my screen! This is all very silly and yet it’s getting me down. Let me explain.
You know how we have a whole wall of windows in our house? I love them. They are the best. Everything is always so happy and bright in our house because the sun is always shining. It’s even pretty bright here on rainy days.
This is great except during Baby Bug’s afternoon nap when I want to work on my laptop. Then I cannot see anything on my laptop screen because the bright happy sun is reflecting off my screen and rendering everything a dull shade of gray. I cannot see color, I cannot look at my photos, I cannot illustrate or work. All I can do is read blogs and while that’s all fine and good, I don’t want to read blogs! I want to make stuff. I want to catch up on my work. I want to blog!
Long story short it’s getting me down. Every day I go through this. Every day I sigh as yet another day of attempting to work goes down the toilet and Baby Bug comes walking around the corner with her messy nap hair. I tell myself, it’s okay. I’ll just drink a bunch of coffee and stay up all night and catch up. Well, guess what. That doesn’t work anymore. I’ve become completely immune to coffee! Apparently my body doesn’t feel stressed anymore it feels sleepy and it wants to sleep all the time.
Yesterday I had a latte (from Starbucks so it should be full strength) at seven p.m. (!!!) and I still fell asleep at eight when I was putting Baby Bug to sleep! I think I could sleep with an iv of coffee hooked up to me. I’m just immune. Time to (gasp) go off coffee.
I know everyone is going to offer all kinds of solutions like: get curtains, have Toby put Baby Bug down, teach Baby Bug to go to sleep by herself… etc. etc. You might as well just save them because they are not an option. This is my battle and I have to fight it.
So I have a box over my head and I’m blogging.
That is not the whole story though. I’m in a lull. Blogging is not making me as happy as it used to. Why, I don’t know because it’s more rewarding now than it has ever been. I think I’m finally becoming one of those moms who just doesn’t have time any more and frankly, it’s pissing me off.
I’ve always gotten emails from mothers asking me how I fit it everything in. I usually just shrugged them off and said something about not needing as much sleep or something. But maybe I do need more sleep. I’m sleeping more and more and more. I feel like I’m depressed but I have nothing to be depressed about. Well, other than my mother-in-law saga and struggling with the fact that middle-age is upon me and I’m not seventeen anymore but that’s just life. I’ve dealt with much heavier issues.
So I don’t know. I just wanted to check in and say hi, I’m struggling. I don’t know where I’m going. I hope my old enthusiasm comes back. Baby Bug is as cute as ever. (Which by the way I should write a post about how we got rid of the high chair. Maybe I will do that next.) But I just wanted to be honest with you guys and say that when you see me not blogging for three days or more, this is what is going on. Let’s just hope it’s a funk and it passes like all those other funks.
-
Dear Alcoholic in my life,
I’m really angry at you. I’ve been angry at you for a long time. I get a little bit less angry sometimes because every time we have an episode like this, a little part of my love for you dies. Pretty soon that part of my heart that is reserved for you will just be dead and black and sloughing off into ashes on top of my other organs. Someone will call me up and say you have finally passed on and I’ll just look out the window and think about the weather or something.
When bad things happen I almost wish that the part of my heart was already dead. Stop the pain already or something. I just get so angry and I think horrible thoughts and write horrible letters like this and I know it’s toxic. I know it is not helping me and it’s not helping you and and it is probably not helping anyone who is reading it.
I’m scared that all this anger and hate I have towards you, someone I love, is very very very bad. I’m scared that my little baby daughter is going to be hurt in some way by it. Even worse, I’m scared that she is going to grow up and have this problem too. It’s in her genes. I just want to rent my garments and die if she becomes an alcoholic too. I could not bear the pain. I can barely handle the pain of telling her that you are “sick” when she asks for you.
She does not deserve to be hurt the way you’ve been hurting everyone in your life for years. I didn’t deserve it. Toby didn’t deserve it. Can’t we just stop this cycle of hurt? How many generations have to pay for the sins of their fathers?
You don’t deserve her love. But she does love you and sometimes you are such a sweet old woman. I do love you. I don’t know what part of you is the alcoholic/drunk/liar and what part of you is the real you.
Which reminds me of why I am so angry in the first place. I’m sick and tired of getting played by you. I’m not that stupid!!! Don’t tell me your lies and think you’re so clever. You’re only fooling yourself. I know you’ve been drinking. I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in your apartment that is trashed from top to bottom. I don’t want to hear about some bug you’ve caught that you had to be hospitalized for. I know why you went to hospital. You’ve been doing this for years.
Sometimes I just want to yell at you and tell you that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT and you should stop being so selfish. But I realize that I am just making it worse. I am just making your mental illness and your anxiety and your guilt and your depression worse. And then I feel like crap. It’s just not fair and I wish you would stop it.
Why can’t you be like all those other alcoholics and stay sober for ten, fifteen, twenty years? Even a year would be nice. I know you are too old to learn new tricks but can’t you just try?
I’m sorry I’m so angry at you. I wish I could do something to make a difference but right now I think I just want to walk away and not look back. I won’t cut you off. But I want to.
I’m sorry I wouldn’t talk to you today. I just couldn’t. I wanted to say all this and I couldn’t because I knew you wouldn’t listen.
Sincerely,
B.
