I’m wondering if it is normal to become selfish when you hit your thirties? I no longer want to make the effort to mend friendships that I used to tend to daily as if my life depended on them. I’m wishing that I could let my friendships fade into the sunset to be picked up again another day when times are good. Why can’t we just pick up where we left off and laugh and tell jokes? I know life is not all a laugh parade but why does it have to get so ugly sometimes?

I’m so ashamed that I can count so many friends I’ve broken up with. Who is this horrible person I’ve become? I’m turning the comments on this post off because I feel like such a hypocrite saying these sad things and yet so many kind loving people write such wonderful things to me that I don’t deserve.

Remember that old 80’s song by Belinda Carlisle? Oh such a cheesy song. But I remember thinking about the words a lot when I was a teenager. How love never ends nicely. It either keeps on going forever or it becomes a train wreck. I don’t want the train wreck but I just don’t think I have it in me to do the necessary repairs to prevent the train wreck. I wish I could be Belinda and go on standing there in the sand forever. But I really hate the cold and I have no patience at all.

It’s funny that all these things are happening right before my big trip to Paris. My pie in the sky. I feel so strange being so happy and so sad at the same time. I can’t figure out if I’m maturing or regressing.

Stupid Day

Man! Today was just stupid! One bad thing after another. I shouldn’t be cranky because I can go days and days without bad things ever happening to me and I know people who’s whole life is just one bad thing after another. But today… sheesh! I got emails from a long lost friend accusing me of being fake, third hand comments from relatives who are spiteful, I made a stupid mistake on a job with a client, I cooked a complete flop of a dinner and then on top of it all I’m not pregnant for the fifty-seventh time.

But in spite of all the crap that happened today, I am going to survive. And you know why? Because I got an outpouring of support from this blog and my friends and my family (the ones that love me). I am so thankful that so many people are so kind to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t have made it through today.