Illustration Friday: black and white

I’ve been really hesitant to blog about this because I feel as if the one thing I wanted most in the whole wide world has been handed to me on a silver platter and if I dare complain about it, I deserve a lightening bolt to strike me or at least the wrath of all those childless mothers out there to come raining down on me in hate mail. But (the infamous “but” signaling I’m going to do exactly what I’m saying I don’t want to do) I feel compelled to. You’ve let me go on and on about the morning sickness and some people are kind enough to even tell me not to stop blogging about the ups and downs of pregnancy. Some other readers are appreciating the commiseration and other’s are nice and say they’re taking it all down in notes for when they get pregnant. You people are too freaking nice to me!!!

So there is one other little thing that is really getting to me. Hormones.

I was very well educated going into this pregnancy. This is something I’ve been looking forward to my whole life. I used to listen to all my friends stories of what they went through with wide eyes and bated breath. Why I thought it was going to be all cute bellies and cute outfits is beyond me. My biggest fear was post partum (and maybe it still is). I had no idea what the hormones would do to me all the way along! The first trimester is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It’s kinda like a cold where when you’re feeling the most crappy but you don’t look sick. Your throat is so sore you can’t go a minute without swallowing and wincing but everyone is thinking, you look fine to me, you big baby. And then a week later when you just start to feel better, then your voice starts to sound like a tale from the crypt and everybody says, You sound horrible! Go back to bed!

So here I am looking perfectly healthy and normal, maybe even “glowing”, and I’m feeling like crap. Crap! Crap! Crap! And not just because of the nausea. I feel like a worthless piece of crap! I know I’m growing a real live human being inside me and that is the job of a lifetime but I can’t see this masterpiece and all I do all day long is sit around and watch tv and feel sick and think about eating! I have no job! I have no day to day purpose anymore.

Let me explain,

I do have a job. You long time readers have watched my career as a cubicle graphic designer turned freelance designer and illustrator…. It’s been a wonderful journey. But the thing about my new job is that I WORK FOR MYSELF!!! I drum up my own business. I come up with my own ideas. I am my own boss and I drive my own self with my crazy creative ideas.

So what happens when that tap of creativity dries up like Death Valley? When I stare at a blank screen and I can’t think of a thing to illustrate? When all the old projects that used to keep me burning the midnight oil seem less fun that balancing my check book? Seriously, I’ve found myself doing the most boring routine chores just to avoid some creative project. I am not ME any more!

I’m out of work! I have no job! I sit around on my thumb and spin! I know I should be thankful I don’t have a mortgage to pay and I have a husband who’s happy as long I make sure there’s something to eat when he comes up for air from his very stressful and successful career. He’s buried in work and he doesn’t care if I watch Mtv all day and eat bon bons. As long as I don’t complain too much and most importantly I don’t interrupt him. I told him I was worried because soon the checks were going to stop coming in the mail. I haven’t taken on any new jobs and I certainly haven’t gone out to look for any. He says I have nothing to worry about. If all I’m doing is going out to lunch a little more and maybe going to see a movie once a week, he can handle that expense and the loss of the 1/4 of the income that I used to bring in. He’s not even sweating it.

I know! I’m so lucky! I am a kept wife! I’m spoiled! I should just shut up already. And I have. I have been trying to shut up. I have been trying to keep this to myself. How many pregnant ladies have I seen slaving away at the office or even doing manual labor? So many! Here I am living on easy street. Why can’t I enjoy it?

Because I feel like a big fat loser that’s why. Every single hobby I used to do for fun and money has turned into the impossible. I can’t even paint a painting. The fire that drove me to think about colors and shapes has blown out like the broken pilot light in our heater. This baby better be a damn creative genius because he/she is sapping me of every single creative molecule I have in my head!

I promise I won’t go on and whine about this all the time. But when I was thinking about Illustration Friday and the concept of black and white and opposites, I couldn’t help thinking of my own dichotomy inside my own head. I’ve never been happier and I’ve never been sadder.

It will all be over soon right?

Illustration Friday: Envy

This is me green with envy of my former un-pregnant self. Or more accurately, this is me green with pregnancy. I’m really starting to notice the changes. The biggest one being that if I don’t eat something every two hours or so I feel queasy. It’s like how you feel when you start to have motion sickness and the last thing you want to do is eat something, except that’s exactly the only thing that makes the queasiness go away. It’s very annoying. I’m worried that all I do all day is eat and drag myself around the house barely getting anything done. I bet I’ve gained twenty pounds already and I’m not even supposed to gain one. I’m way too scared to step on the scale to check.

Last week I was walking every evening with vigor, now I’m lucky if I can even get my desk organized. This is pathetic. You know what I miss the most? Not coffee but that buzz I used to get from having a big cup of coffee. You couldn’t tie me down and force me to drink coffee now. I am so turned off by it I hate even typing this sentence because I can feel the bile rising just thinking about it. But in the old days when I had this dragging feeling I would just pour myself a big cup o’ joe and watch the creativity flow. That’s what’s really worrying me.

I just don’t feel creative any more. I’m super proud that I managed the feeble illustration above because illustrating just hasn’t been coming to me the way it used to. These last three illustrations I’ve done on this blog are the ONLY illustrations I’ve done since I got back from Paris! Before I’d do two or three a day! I’m starting to worry that this blog is going to turn into a photo blog. Not to mention how it’s going to effect my work. Thankfully, things are slowing down with the clients I have right now and the pressure is off to be super successful because now I can be a professional mom. I’m very spoiled that I even have that option. I don’t know what I would do if I had to go to work every day. Though a boring brain dead desk job does sound appealing right now. I just hope I get my creativity back. I really miss it. I’ve feel like lost my drive or something.

But not to worry, all this is so worth it. I’m really starting to get excited. I baby sat the Things tonight and I was laying on their couch waiting for the parents to get home and all of a sudden I felt this little twitch in my abdomen. I know it’s way to soon to be feeling any kicking but let me tell you, something IS going on down there. Like some major construction of some kind. When I get up from laying down I feel this weird straining feeling like I better take it slow or I might pull a groin muscle. It’s weird. I’m so pregnant, it’s not even funny. And I’m just barely seven weeks. Hooooo Boy!

Another thing that happened recently is that Toby has sort of opened up to the idea of switching offices with me. This is HUGE. I’ve been obsessed with worry about where I’m going to put this baby once it gets here… and more importantly where am I going to keep all the clothes and diapers and things that come along with a baby. As it is right now, my office is occupied by the humoungous bird cage and there is not an inch of room for a crib even if I did want to subject my child to massive bird allergy attacks. The original plan was to just get away with a bassinet in our bedroom for as long as possible but every time a Pottery Barn Kids magazine comes in the mail (which is quite a lot, frankly) I get all sad inside that I have no little white dresser or gigham lined basket to fold my little onesies and keep them nice and clean inside. I’ve found myself actually tearing up over it. Talk about hormones! So the fact that Toby might move into the bird room is a HUGE HUGE HUGE weight off my mind. He’s not too happy about it because my back room is the crap room. It’s small, it’s got termite damage and holes in the wall and it doesn’t have track lighting. But he can fix those things and I think as the date gets nearer and nearer our priorities will change.

I’m just so excited to have a future room for the baby! In fact, the Things have offered to give me their expensive Pottery Barn crib so I’m all set! I know it’s early to start thinking about these things but I seriously have Baby on the Brain disease. I’m not going to go all out and paint a mural or anything because we really do plan to move in the next few years but at least I have some place I can keep clean and quiet. In my mind it’s almost like a sanctuary of sorts. It’s not going to happen for a good long while because this switching of offices will disrupt Toby’s entire way of doing business but it’s out there. There IS a solution to the problem. He’ll probably want to wait until I’m fatter than a hippo and I can’t even bend over to pick things up but that’s okay. It’s better than the alternative that I thought I’d have to settle on. I was starting to think maybe I could make a bedroom out of our hallway! I was desperate. So I should be able to stop worrying about where I’m going to put my onesies for at least a month or so.