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The Battered Banner-Maker Calls a Meeting
Wow! Two posts for the price of one! Before you go and mentally click your heels together, I have to tell you that this is a blog business post. I feel like a big mean ogre for writing it too. I wish I weren’t writing it. So instead of having a little party over me posting more, you might as well sit down sulkily at your boardroom chair and get ready for some dull droning about pie charts or something. Don’t you wish you brought your sketchpad now?
Oh, wait. That was me. Sorry, having a flashback to my days in cubeland when I had to sit in boring meetings and I filled up my entire “meeting notes” page with sketches. Those were the best sketches. Thinking about them almost makes me wish I was bored more often. Just kidding!!!!!
Ahem. Cough, cough. Sips water.
Hi everybody. I’m so glad you could make it. Is everyone comfortable? Can I offer you a sweet roll? Yes, minding our calories. I understand. So anyway, I brought you all here today to discuss the Freebie Banner Contest I’ve had going on since forever. It has come to my attention that several of the winners have taken their banners down for various reasons.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am not upset about this. Blogging is a free world (so far) and each blogger has the right to do what she will with her banner. I know that I personally hate looking at the same thing for more than a month so I completely understand the need to take things down and dust them off every once in a while.
HOWEVER! If this is YOU, you should NOT ENTER MY CONTEST!
Oh, wait. I wasn’t mad. I’m sorry. I was yelling at Baby Bug because she was eating the pathos plant in the corner and I forgot to lower my voice. Really, I’m not mad! I understand. I completely understand. And besides some of the people who have taken their banners down are my friends and I like them and I really really don’t want to piss anyone off with my hurt-feelings/diva-designer attitude.
I know I’m not all that. I know sometimes my banners are not my best work. Some months flow, some months don’t. I totally understand if you hate your banner that I made you. I want you to tell me if you’re “just not into it”. I do. And if you had it up for more than a year, I TOTALLY AGREE that you need a change.
But on the other hand, I get a LOT of banner freebie requests. So many that I think someone put me up on one of those sites where there are lists of FREE STUFF you can click on and get things like granola bars and chiropractor pens sent to your house. So I’m feeling kinda used, if you know what I mean. My banners are not granola bars and they are not crooked-back chiropractor pens. They may look like it but they are not. They are little tiny packages of love.
They are also FOUR HOURS of my life! My life is full and busting at the seams, yet I am driven to stay up all hours of the night to squeeze just one more drop out of it. I love designing. I love making banners. I love being a graphic artist/illustrator. The problem is sometimes it is TOO MUCH. And I have to make choices. I have to choose to say no. Even when it hurts.
So, I’m here to say that I’m throwing out all of the banner winner entries that have been accumulating since March 2007 (no, I have not thrown a single one out) and I’m starting over with new rules. I’m sorry. I really am. Your entries are brilliant and I laugh out loud when I read them. I really do! I love them all! They are like little hugs from you. I try to write back to every single one. And if you haven’t gotten an email back from me it’s because yours is still in my inbox, flagged and waiting to be written back to.
However, I have to start over. I have to throw out all those little hugs and ask for only sincere hugs from now on. Only big bear hugs from people who really read my site and really really want an SAJ banner. If you just want something free because it’s sitting there with a blinking light, then don’t enter. Go to the grocery store and get some of those automatic feed coupons or something.
I’m not saying that the people who took my banners down make me feel like that. I know all of you and I understand each of your reasons for taking them down. It’s okay. Really it is. No need to apologize or even think twice about it. I promise. Pinky swear!
No, I’m thinking more of the people who I’ve chosen to win something and then never even respond to my emails. I just feel cheap and used and I need to start over with some better rules.
Here are the new rules:
- You must read this post before entering
- You must be interested in a banner that will stay up longer than six months. If you just need a seasonal change, I’m not your girl.
- You must solemnly swear not to waste my time*. Promise me you’re worth losing sleep over!
- Email me five things about yourself just like you have been because you’ve been doing a GREAT job at that. I love them. All of them. If you crack me up, I love them even more.
- Include your URL so I can stalk you and decide if you really need a banner or not (because some of you have fabulous banners already and you do not need me!)
Sigh. Let’s take a moment of silence to consider what a crazy PMS-ing beeyotch SAJ has suddenly become. If this post is gone when you come back later, it’s because I felt terribly guilty and took it down.
Sigh.
I’m so sorry! I deserve no comments and nobody entering my contest ever again. I totally understand if you hate me. But it just has to be this way. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. You can make faces at me if you want. You can even talk about me behind my back. I expect it. I just want to be happy when I make stuff for free. You understand? Right?
Thank you for your time. This meeting is over. Please remember to pick up your spit balls and crumpled-up meeting notes and deposit them in the trash can beside the door on your way out.
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Next Up: Joey
Hi! Welcome to Pets-Are-Us! Your one-stop blog for all your sad sorry cat adoption needs! Oh. You’re not here to adopt a cat? I’m sorry. That’s all we’re offering here these days. I know. I hate it too but you know how family can be. They think your blog is their own personal kiosk to get rid of things.
Just kidding! I love my family and I love their cats and I really do want to see these cats find good homes. We’ll get back to our regular programming soon enough.
Forrest doesn’t have a home yet but at least we have put the mercy-killer (hi, Dad) at bay for a while. I think we have some contacts that might be able to help us find an appropriate home for him. If there is still anybody interested, please contact me. We can deliver! My Dad will be going back on the road in a few weeks and he would be happy to deliver a cat to you anywhere in the United States.
Talk about service! You get a cat and a visit from the famous Tom the Trucker. You’ll probably want to adopt my dad more than the cat, even if he has a heart of stone when it comes to poor homeless kitties.
There is one more cat up for adoption. Joey. Poor poor Joey. I don’t usually talk about this because it is dirty laundry on my family but Toby has given me permission.
Joey is another by-product of my alcoholic mother-in-law. Remember Maddy, the puking cat? Maddy was her cat too. My mother-in-law is a very sweet lady who loves cats but she is also an alcoholic who goes on six-month binges and lets everyone around her suffer, including her family and her pets.
She has left behind a long trail of neglected pets, including one dead hamster. When I say neglect, I don’t mean lacking affection. I mean locked in her trashed apartment eating maggots and drinking toilet water while she is in the hospital and or rehab. It still bothers Toby to this day that he didn’t rescue the hamster. The hamster died of starvation, a slow painful death.
We have rescued so many animals from her. There was the bunny and Maddy and Joey… it’s getting to be a bit much. We can’t keep doing this. My mother-in-law should not be allowed to have any more pets. But of course when she is sober she pleads that having an animal is the best way for her to keep her spirits up. And she’s probably right but unfortunately she never stays sober. Never.
Anyway, we rescued Joey about a year ago. We thought he was a kitten and my Mom loves Siamese kittens so she was more than happy to give him a home. It turns out Joey is NOT a kitten. He’s just on the small side. My mom took him to the vet to get him fixed and the vet informed her that he is two years old. A little old to be getting fixed. I don’t know if this compounds the too-many-male-cats problem or not but it could. Joey needs a home where he is the only cat.
He’s a beautiful cat. He’s also Siamese which means he yowls and he’s klutzy. He likes to climb up on shelves and knocks things off. He’s forever getting into my mom’s linen closet and sending down avalanches of towels and sheets. I’m sure in a tidier house he would be controllable but at Camp Chaotic he has only added to the chaos.
I really do hope Joey finds a home. If you’re in the market for a slightly spazzy but adorable Siamese, email me!
