Illustration Friday: black and white

I’ve been really hesitant to blog about this because I feel as if the one thing I wanted most in the whole wide world has been handed to me on a silver platter and if I dare complain about it, I deserve a lightening bolt to strike me or at least the wrath of all those childless mothers out there to come raining down on me in hate mail. But (the infamous “but” signaling I’m going to do exactly what I’m saying I don’t want to do) I feel compelled to. You’ve let me go on and on about the morning sickness and some people are kind enough to even tell me not to stop blogging about the ups and downs of pregnancy. Some other readers are appreciating the commiseration and other’s are nice and say they’re taking it all down in notes for when they get pregnant. You people are too freaking nice to me!!!

So there is one other little thing that is really getting to me. Hormones.

I was very well educated going into this pregnancy. This is something I’ve been looking forward to my whole life. I used to listen to all my friends stories of what they went through with wide eyes and bated breath. Why I thought it was going to be all cute bellies and cute outfits is beyond me. My biggest fear was post partum (and maybe it still is). I had no idea what the hormones would do to me all the way along! The first trimester is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It’s kinda like a cold where when you’re feeling the most crappy but you don’t look sick. Your throat is so sore you can’t go a minute without swallowing and wincing but everyone is thinking, you look fine to me, you big baby. And then a week later when you just start to feel better, then your voice starts to sound like a tale from the crypt and everybody says, You sound horrible! Go back to bed!

So here I am looking perfectly healthy and normal, maybe even “glowing”, and I’m feeling like crap. Crap! Crap! Crap! And not just because of the nausea. I feel like a worthless piece of crap! I know I’m growing a real live human being inside me and that is the job of a lifetime but I can’t see this masterpiece and all I do all day long is sit around and watch tv and feel sick and think about eating! I have no job! I have no day to day purpose anymore.

Let me explain,

I do have a job. You long time readers have watched my career as a cubicle graphic designer turned freelance designer and illustrator…. It’s been a wonderful journey. But the thing about my new job is that I WORK FOR MYSELF!!! I drum up my own business. I come up with my own ideas. I am my own boss and I drive my own self with my crazy creative ideas.

So what happens when that tap of creativity dries up like Death Valley? When I stare at a blank screen and I can’t think of a thing to illustrate? When all the old projects that used to keep me burning the midnight oil seem less fun that balancing my check book? Seriously, I’ve found myself doing the most boring routine chores just to avoid some creative project. I am not ME any more!

I’m out of work! I have no job! I sit around on my thumb and spin! I know I should be thankful I don’t have a mortgage to pay and I have a husband who’s happy as long I make sure there’s something to eat when he comes up for air from his very stressful and successful career. He’s buried in work and he doesn’t care if I watch Mtv all day and eat bon bons. As long as I don’t complain too much and most importantly I don’t interrupt him. I told him I was worried because soon the checks were going to stop coming in the mail. I haven’t taken on any new jobs and I certainly haven’t gone out to look for any. He says I have nothing to worry about. If all I’m doing is going out to lunch a little more and maybe going to see a movie once a week, he can handle that expense and the loss of the 1/4 of the income that I used to bring in. He’s not even sweating it.

I know! I’m so lucky! I am a kept wife! I’m spoiled! I should just shut up already. And I have. I have been trying to shut up. I have been trying to keep this to myself. How many pregnant ladies have I seen slaving away at the office or even doing manual labor? So many! Here I am living on easy street. Why can’t I enjoy it?

Because I feel like a big fat loser that’s why. Every single hobby I used to do for fun and money has turned into the impossible. I can’t even paint a painting. The fire that drove me to think about colors and shapes has blown out like the broken pilot light in our heater. This baby better be a damn creative genius because he/she is sapping me of every single creative molecule I have in my head!

I promise I won’t go on and whine about this all the time. But when I was thinking about Illustration Friday and the concept of black and white and opposites, I couldn’t help thinking of my own dichotomy inside my own head. I’ve never been happier and I’ve never been sadder.

It will all be over soon right?