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Stay at Home Daughter
I’ve been simmering on this post for a while. The more I adjust to my new life in the desert with my parents, the more I love it here. My depression has lifted (completely!), and I wake up every day excited about whatever I’m going to do that day. Yes, of course, I worry about politics, the state of the world, and my money problems, but outside of that, I am happy in my quiet little life. I don’t wake up in a panic anymore. That is a huge deal! I’m sad that I let myself wake up full of fear and stress every morning for two years straight. How did I let it get that bad? I didn’t think I had a choice then, but maybe I did. If I had known what I know now, I should have moved in with my parents earlier but I had Bug to support and worry about so everything happened the way it did for a reason.
Now, my mornings are full of beauty and thankfulness. Everywhere I look, I see pretty things to take pictures of. I hear birds chirping and I see lizards darting here and there. I have all kinds of baby plants that need my attention. Sometimes, I even forget to look at my phone in the morning. Isn’t that crazy? Maybe that’s why some bloggers and Instagrammers that we love have disappeared. Maybe they just stopped looking at their phones first thing. But I’m not here to preach about phone use. That is a tired argument that I can easily debate both ways. I embrace technology. I need my bionic brain.
I wake up for nature now. How crazy is that? I wake up to see what kind of sunrise it will be. I’m addicted to sunrises as if they were a tv show I wanted to catch. I know, night people are probably rolling their eyes but this is how morning people work. If I wasn’t so busy cooking dinner in the evening, I’d probably feel the same way about sunsets. I’d love to sit with a glass of wine every evening and tune in for a sunset but the way the mountains are situated here, we are in shadow before we get to see any pretty colors. Maybe I can fine tune my routine to catch the sunsets but so far I haven’t managed that.
Something else big has shifted in my mind. It is my shame about not working full time. YES, I would love to have a full-time income. Believe me, it would solve so many problems. But now that I need to be home to take care of my mom and be available to travel when they travel (the latest HOA complication) I can’t even get a day job if I found one. I can only have odd jobs that allow me to be flexible. So in a way you could say I’m semi-retired. Doesn’t that have such a better ring than unemployed? It’s just a change of phrase but it’s a massive shift in the way I think of myself. I’m not a failure. I’m a success! It’s a dream to live the slow life at fifty-two!
I don’t have to feel guilty about gardening or sewing or organizing my parents mountains of stuff. I love this stay-at-home lifestyle. I’m not a stay-at-home mom anymore. I’m a stay-at-home daughter!
When I was a new mom I fought against the homemaker lifestyle. I wanted to stay competitive with my peers and I was terribly jealous when my friends landed prestigious jobs while I was playing with a toddler and bored out of my skull. BUT I did get to rock my daughter to sleep every night. I played with her every day and we did crafts together. I went on walks to the beach every single day. I traveled and blogged it all. I wasn’t winning awards or contributing to a hefty 401K but I was illustrating children’s books and fostering a healthy blog readership. The days were long but the years were short and I would do them all over again if I could.
So here I am again. This time I’m not fighting it so hard. I’m going to treasure every day with my parents. I am so lucky that I get to spend time with them when they are happy and healthy. I know these days are numbered.
I’m going to keep track of the days here for as long as I can afford to. I thought I’d take this blog down but the parallels to my old mom-blogging self are too similar. Maybe elder-care-blogging will become a thing. Whatever it is I’m going to keep track of it. This is all I’m really good at it seems. For now anyway.
I did get to see Matt for Valentine’s Day. My car is out of commission (it needs a new transmission) so I took the train into Orange County and we had a nice weekend together.
He took me out to all my favorite restaurants. We ate all the steaks and drank all the drinks and walked all the walks. It was really nice.
Then I spent the rest of Sunday cleaning for my old neighbor and then I caught the last train back home. It’s not the most efficient way to travel but it was an adventure.
I am really sad about my car. I’ve had her since Bug was six months old. She was the best car. So much fun to drive and so reliable! (Until now.) I always thought I’d give her to Bug when Bug learned to drive, but unfortunately, she’s not safe to drive. My dad won’t even let me drive her out of the driveway. She’s not worth much, which is sad because she’s such a pretty car. I’m trying to find a mechanic who’s looking for a project. Surely, somebody out there sees what I see in her.
Having no car secures my “retirement” status even more. I’m literally stuck here. I might as well live it up. I attended a “potato bake” last week at the HOA clubhouse and won an IHOP gift certificate for drawing the best Mrs. Potato head. This is the life, what can I say! I took Bug out to breakfast for dinner on the one day I borrow my dad’s truck so I can drive into Irvine to help my old neighbor.
I spend the rest of the time admiring the sunrises and sunsets and walking with my dad.
It’s not so bad. It’s the cure for depression!
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Bright New Beginnings
I’ve been sad for so long. It was my normal. I could “I’m fine” my way through it and even fool myself when I wasn’t fine at all. Every day, I had this lead feeling in my chest about this or that perceived failure. I feel like I’m finally stopping and catching my breath, and I can feel that heavy feeling lifting. I feel happiness creeping in more and more. I think I’m finally going to be okay and start getting better. I don’t want to taunt fate but I feel like I finally reached bottom and the only way is up now. Up is looking really possible. Every morning I wake up feeling optimistic. The sun is literally shining on me every day and I am recharging my batteries.
Freezing cold sun, though! It’s okay. I finally get to wear all the jackets, coats, and sweaters I never wore while living near the ocean. I live in the high desert now, and it gets below-freezing some nights. I know this is nothing compared to what other parts of the country deal with, but for me, it is chilly! But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the cold sunrises. I bundle up and drink it in.
This is a picture post but I do have a bigger point I will get to at the bottom. I just wanted to share the lemons I’ve been picking. One day I got a bug up my butt and trimmed some bushes in the backyard that were hanging over the fence. I worked up an actual sweat and rewarded myself with real homemade lemonade. There is nothing like fresh, homemade lemonade after a sweaty task. I drank three glasses in a row.
Later, I made these lemon cookies for the neighbors, who kindly lent me a backup battery to charge my phone when the power was out for three days. It’s fun to be baking again. But get this: my parent’s oven is awful! Figures. Now, when I have all the time in the world and can bake because it’s a great way to heat the house, their oven doesn’t work properly. There is something wrong with the thermostat, and it takes forever to get to the temperature. If I want to bake at 350, I have to set it to 400 and wait half an hour for it to get hot enough. It’s okay, though. I’ll get used to it.
One day, I walked out to the backyard to watch the sunset and saw tell-tale smoke. This is why the power has been shut off so often lately. We’re lucky if we can get through three days without it shutting off. But I’m thankful. My parents live in a high-risk fire area. I’d rather pretend I’m camping Little-House-on-the-Prairie-style any day than deal with evacuation and losing everything. Thankfully, the fire was across town, and the wind was blowing in the opposite direction, so we didn’t have to evacuate. But it was scary. Smoke and flames strike fear in all of us.
That night the winds were fierce. All night I heard them blowing and the sounds of metal stretching.
The next day, Cody and I walked around the neighborhood and saw all the damage. The windmill in our backyard unscrewed itself. A battery off my dad’s chop saw flew across the patio, and tree branches were everywhere. Patio chairs were in the street, trash cans were tipped and blown, and tumbleweeds were wedged into places they don’t normally go. It made me thankful for a solid safe house to sleep in.
That brings me to my big point: I am really thankful to my parents for the shelter and love they are giving me right now. They are so happy to have someone cook and clean; I am glad to do that. Finally, I feel appreciated for doing something easy and it comes naturally. I love projects. I love home makeovers. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when cleaning and cooking. I’ve given myself the grace to take it easy and start over. Of course, my money problems are far from over, but I don’t have to worry about being evicted. The worst has already happened, and I’m okay. All the late fees and overdraft notices have come, and I’m still alive. There is peace in giving up. I’ve done my best. I gave it the best fight I could.
I’m so lucky to have a safety net to fall into. I didn’t think I would. I thought I was on my own. My parents were always the ones struggling, and I used to help them, but now the tables have turned, and they are helping me. There is something so wonderful about being taken in by your own family. I don’t mean to be bragging about it when I know so many people don’t have family who love them unconditionally. I thought I was so poor. I thought I was a failure, but this huge lesson has taught me how rich I am. I’ve learned the most significant lesson. Finally, I see what so many people have been trying to tell me. I have so much to be thankful for.
I like being a caregiver. I always have been, from super auntie to mommy blogger extraordinaire to empty-nest pet owner… This is me. Now I’m caring for my parents and am good at it! I’m sure we’ll have our hurdles, and I’ll be thankful for my quick trips to visit Matt and other friends, but I can feel my depression lifting. I’m excited about building my way back.
I have hope.
