Stay at Home Daughter

I’ve been simmering on this post for a while. The more I adjust to my new life in the desert with my parents, the more I love it here. My depression has lifted (completely!), and I wake up every day excited about whatever I’m going to do that day. Yes, of course, I worry about politics, the state of the world, and my money problems, but outside of that, I am happy in my quiet little life. I don’t wake up in a panic anymore. That is a huge deal! I’m sad that I let myself wake up full of fear and stress every morning for two years straight. How did I let it get that bad? I didn’t think I had a choice then, but maybe I did.  If I had known what I know now,  I should have moved in with my parents earlier but I had Bug to support and worry about so everything happened the way it did for a reason.

Now, my mornings are full of beauty and thankfulness. Everywhere I look, I see pretty things to take pictures of. I hear birds chirping and I see lizards darting here and there.  I have all kinds of baby plants that need my attention. Sometimes, I even forget to look at my phone in the morning. Isn’t that crazy? Maybe that’s why some bloggers and Instagrammers that we love have disappeared. Maybe they just stopped looking at their phones first thing. But I’m not here to preach about phone use. That is a tired argument that I can easily debate both ways. I embrace technology. I need my bionic brain.

I wake up for nature now. How crazy is that? I wake up to see what kind of sunrise it will be. I’m addicted to sunrises as if they were a tv show I wanted to catch. I know, night people are probably rolling their eyes but this is how morning people work. If I wasn’t so busy cooking dinner in the evening, I’d probably feel the same way about sunsets. I’d love to sit with a glass of wine every evening and tune in for a sunset but the way the mountains are situated here, we are in shadow before we get to see any pretty colors. Maybe I can fine tune my routine to catch the sunsets but so far I haven’t managed that.

Something else big has shifted in my mind. It is my shame about not working full time. YES, I would love to have a full-time income. Believe me, it would solve so many problems. But now that I need to be home to take care of my mom and be available to travel when they travel (the latest HOA complication) I can’t even get a day job if I found one. I can only have odd jobs that allow me to be flexible. So in a way you could say I’m semi-retired. Doesn’t that have such a better ring than unemployed? It’s just a change of phrase but it’s a massive shift in the way I think of myself.  I’m not a failure. I’m a success! It’s a dream to live the slow life at fifty-two!

I don’t have to feel guilty about gardening or sewing or organizing my parents mountains of stuff.  I love this stay-at-home lifestyle. I’m not a stay-at-home mom anymore. I’m a stay-at-home daughter!

When I was a new mom I fought against the homemaker lifestyle.  I wanted to stay competitive with my peers and I was terribly jealous when my friends landed prestigious jobs while I was playing with a toddler and bored out of my skull. BUT I did get to rock my daughter to sleep every night. I played with her every day and we did crafts together. I went on walks to the beach every single day. I traveled and blogged it all.  I wasn’t winning awards or contributing to a hefty 401K but I was illustrating children’s books and fostering a healthy blog readership. The days were long but the years were short and I would do them all over again if I could.

So here I am again. This time I’m not fighting it so hard. I’m going to treasure every day with my parents. I am so lucky that I get to spend time with them when they are happy and healthy. I know these days are numbered.

I’m going to keep track of the days here for as long as I can afford to. I thought I’d take this blog down but the parallels to my old mom-blogging self are too similar. Maybe elder-care-blogging will become a thing. Whatever it is I’m going to keep track of it. This is all I’m really good at it seems. For now anyway.

I did get to see Matt for Valentine’s Day. My car is out of commission (it needs a new transmission) so I took the train into Orange County and we had a nice weekend together.

He took me out to all my favorite restaurants. We ate all the steaks and drank all the drinks and walked all the walks. It was really nice.

Then I spent the rest of Sunday cleaning for my old neighbor and then I caught the last train back home. It’s not the most efficient way to travel but it was an adventure.

I am really sad about my car. I’ve had her since Bug was six months old. She was the best car. So much fun to drive and so reliable! (Until now.)  I always thought I’d give her to Bug when Bug learned to drive, but unfortunately, she’s not safe to drive. My dad won’t even let me drive her out of the driveway.  She’s not worth much, which is sad because she’s such a pretty car. I’m trying to find a mechanic who’s looking for a project. Surely, somebody out there sees what I see in her.

Having no car secures my “retirement” status even more. I’m literally stuck here. I might as well live it up. I attended a “potato bake” last week at the HOA clubhouse and won an IHOP gift certificate for drawing the best Mrs. Potato head. This is the life, what can I say! I took Bug out to breakfast for dinner on the one day I borrow my dad’s truck so I can drive into Irvine to help my old neighbor.

I spend the rest of the time admiring the sunrises and sunsets and walking with my dad.

It’s not so bad. It’s the cure for depression!