the month I hid
Hiding from your blog and social media is nothing new to me. I’ve done it before. Life gets hard; you want to hide from the world. You know how it is, especially for people like me who are supreme people pleasers that can’t handle criticism. I’ve been working on this my whole life, and I thought I’d tackled my worst demons, but they came back in April with a vengeance.
This time I thought about shutting it all down for good. I was going to. I liked the idea of a simple private life. My niece, Rapunzel, and Bug telling me not to for their sake pushed me back. I’ve had a tough month. Work has been arduous, and my trip to Amsterdam ended disastrously. I lost some friendships that meant a lot to me.
I’d love to spill the whole story. I’d love for everyone to chime in and tell me that I did nothing wrong and they don’t deserve me, but it’s not fair to them. I can’t paint a clear picture because I don’t know what really happened. I’m sad and it’s going to take me a long time to get over it. So I can’t write about my Amsterdam trip. It was really fun and I saw a million cool things but right now all I can think about are my hurt feelings so I start and stop and never write anything.
Work has been hard too. Growing pains, corporate politics, learning Microsoft when I’ve worked in Adobe for 500 years. I love my job and I think I’m doing well but you know, I worry about getting fired every other minute. It’s a big culture change for me to not be my own boss. I make so many mistakes. Stupid silly mistakes too. But I also work with people I really like and I’m learning so much.
Kady comforts me. She also annoys me by constantly putting her wet nose on my face, nudging my glasses sideways by trying to pet herself with them, and licking me on the mouth (ew!). Does anyone want an aggressively cuddly cat? Just kidding. I wouldn’t part with her for the world.
Weekends are a new novelty for me. Remember when I would proudly proclaim that every day is Monday and every day is Saturday when you are a freelancer? Now every day feels like Monday, and weekends feel like a mad-dash marathon chore-fest with two minutes of vacation. I savor what I can but I miss my coffee dates, gardening, staring at the golf course, doing laundry whenever I feel like it, clean sinks without dishes, sewing, cooking… yeah, all that stuff. I miss it. But it sure is nice being able to pay my bills. As Kate Moss says, nothing tastes as good as having money feels. Or something like that.
(vase by Bug)
April has also been a busy month for visitors. My fairy godmother, Susan, came to visit. She’s so fun. She took Bug and I shopping at Ross. She always does this. It’s her love language. I bought a bunch of work clothes and Bug bought candy and shampoo. Then we took Susan to the Anaheim Packing District and ate like foodies who’d never heard of calorie restrictions.
We especially love the lanterns
Then this last week, Matt came to visit! We took him down to Doheny Beach, where my parents were camping with Cody (and their cats!), and we had a nice turkey burger dinner that my dad cooked. The weather was crappy, but I love a beach campfire when it’s chilly. We sipped Topo Chico “cheerleader beers” and then had hot chocolate and roasted marshmallows for dessert. It was really fun.
My parents are testing out their camper (Did I tell that whole story about how it got stolen and then they got it back? I need to go dive in the archives and find that story.) because they are taking it to Texas next month for my brother’s wedding. Then they are traveling across the country to a Christian camp in Wyoming and then to harvest in Idaho (my Dad always drives trucks for his family’s beet farm) until November. Cody is living the life! He’s going to have the best summer ever. Camping and hanging out on a farm with lots of kids and room to run. I’m jealous.
And now you are all caught up! How do you like the new blog template? I did it all myself this time, which is why it’s a bit wonky here and there. I don’t love the portfolio template, but… it’s gonna have to do until I find some of that mysteriously elusive free time. I also really need to update my crusty old About pages.
Ta ta!
15 Comments
Janie
Sweet Brenda, so sorry your trip ended badly but hoping with time friendships can heal and good memories from the time in Amsterdam can be cherished. Your fan club is rooting for you. xoxo
Kuky
I’m so sorry to hear about the rough time you’ve been having. And so heartbreaking about your friends. You know I’m here if you ever want to talk. Sending much love.
Andie
I’m so glad you decided to stay…I’ve been reading since our daughters were tiny, and I missed this little window into your life! Wishing you healing, peace, and friendship; xx
Lauren
It’s so nice to hear from you! I am heartsick for you over your trip that ended badly. I hate that it happened but hope you can find ways to work through the feelings. Sending hugs!!!!
Allison
Time away isn’t a bad thing, and also, I’m glad you’re back!
Susan
Oh good you are back. I was starting to worry you wouldn’t be. Hey in the end it’s an interesting life, right?
Geraldine
Love that you decided to come back ! I love your style of writing, your humor, sense of adventure, honesty!
And your new blog template is perfect..you seem to have captured your current life’s story in a playful, cute way!
Katie
So sorry your trip went south. I like the new look though and it’s obvious you have people around you that love you and support you.
Work mistakes happen. You can’t learn everything at once so hang in there!
Tiffany
I’m glad you’re back, sorry you had a rough trip/month and I like the new layout! My (unsolicited) input about the job – I bet your employer is happy to have an enthusiatic, creative employee who has a drive to ‘get it right’. Even if that means you don’t always get it 100% right on the 1st (or 5th) try, it’s sticking to it that counts!
beck
I’m so glad you’re back!! So sorry about the friendships. That’s really rough. I hope things get better for everyone.
Cathy
Love the new format and so glad you are back. And despite your poopy trip and hard (but wow, fun and cool) job, life is looking pretty good by your photos. In some of the Kady pics I thought her arms were your braids at first glance! And that cuckoo clock is so good. No more hiding, Lady! We miss you!
Evilisa
Not everything is everybody’s business. I like the happy posts and you just keep doing you. We are adults now and it sucks. But sometimes the changes we are forced to make hurt. We’ve all had to lose friends for some reason…wanted to or not. It’s your business. Always happy to see your beautiful face and know I’m not the only one rocking the silver hair.
Nina
Oh I am so so glad you are back, SAJ. I thought you had closed down your blog because of your new job, Your updates are always welcome but darn, I’m sorry about how your trip turned out.
I worry about losing good friendships too.
You are braver than me by miles. I wish I could share more on social media but a stalker on FB scared me and now even that is just pictures of plants in my yard, trying to be as boring as possible when I am just bursting with details of cool or crazy things that have happened.
Thanks for making the internet a fun and creative place!
Gingermog
You have a lot going on right now , so fair eough you take a break now and then to be fully present and zoom along on the super highway of life. I’m very glad you didnt take take down your blog as cheekily I still reread your blog posts from years ago, whilst I hide from the news, its one of my happy places. I’m so glad your still here !
I hope your friends come round soon, I know how hard it can be to travel with friends and manage different expectations. Im looking forward somday to hearing the story behind the magficent coo coo clock, its a beauty. Glad your doing fun stuff like bar b queing with family and shopping with old friends. A lot of people love you xxx
Leanna
Brenda, you will always have family and friends who love you and at the end of the day this is what matters. If life throws you lemons, you make lemonade.