Blogging for No One
I logged into my wordpress account today and was shocked to see I only had one reader. Stats don’t really matter anymore since I don’t have ads on this page and I never blog anymore anyway but I have to admit it took me and my ego a minute to digest. Really? Only one reader has clicked on this site today? What about all those google searches for ninja costumes and painted butterfly wings or chore charting printables? Where did those people go? Surely Pinterest sent over one or two people.
I thought about this sudden lack of traffic a little bit. It’s not a big deal but it’s on the heels of work being slow and generally feeling like a failure, even though I know I’m not one. It’s usually during my hungriest times that I invent the my best work so this is not a bad thing even though my anxiety in the middle of the night would like you to think otherwise. And then I realized, I love blogging when nobody is reading! This is when I can ramble on and say whatever I like and I don’t have to think about this Aunt thinking this or that Uncle thinking that or that one lady who called me a cat murderer or my ex… etc etc.. you know, all the people you think about when you write publicly about your personal life on the internet. They’re not reading! I can write whatever I want to! I have a few things I really want to put out there in nether space.
Like maybe I have a drinking problem? Just kidding. I’m pretty sure I don’t but I have to admit the worry has crossed my mind, especially since I come from a tee-totaling up-bringing. But I think my drinking problem is related more to unnecessary calories than getting drunk. Which brings me to my next block of instagrams.
I have gained quite a bit of weight in the last year or so of happy-dating-life (Too many dinners out, too many tasty drinks, too many lattes, not so much working out…) so I’ve been trying to up my game by dressing fancier (earrings! make-up! new clothes!). I’ve been doing Stitch Fix for half a year now and I love it. It’s not the best if you are on a budget but it is GREAT for someone like me who hates to shop. I feel like I have my own personal stylist and she is AWESOME. She gets me better than I get me. None of my stitch fix outfits are pictured but I’m going to try and take more pictures of them in the future.
Next random subject: Mother’s Day. If I’ve learned anything in my life of forty-some years I’ve finally learned that if I want something to happen I have to take the initiative.
It’s funny how family dynamics change as you get older. When you’re a kid you’re always getting carted off to some relatives house for big dinners and festivities and you take it for granted thinking it’s always going to be that way. And it is for a little while. You have your own family and you cart them off to your parents or your grandparents but then at some point the grandparents die and the parents are too tired to throw dinners and family gatherings. If you want your family to get together YOU have to make the plans. If you don’t nothing happens.
This is kind of a big deal. I sat in my favorite gold rocking chair and it dawned on me: I am the matriarch of my family now. I have to make the plans.
I day-dreamed up a lovely brunch with Smitten Kitchen’s boozy baked French Toast and then I made it happen. And guess what? It was awesome. I just need to step into this new job and plan like a mother.
After brunch we all went to the beach and I sat next to my mom on the sand without any wifi-connected devices and we talked for two hours. It was the best.
Which brings me to my kid. Oh, Bug. Where should I start? She’s a gamer. She can play minecraft for four hours straight if I don’t watch her and force her to log off. She also loves these little shopkin characters that I call “squigs.” They’re pencil toppers in the shapes of grocery store products and apparently they are all the rage. Or maybe they were all the rage. Who knows.
She wanted them for ages and begged for them but I didn’t know where to buy them and it just wasn’t top of my list of things to do. Then one day I discovered they sold them at Michael’s, a destination I seem to end up at every week (much to my chagrin) so I picked her up a couple mystery packs as payment for modeling for my alphamom projects. She was overjoyed. She devoured their packaging, reading every line of mouse type and discussing it with me while I listened half-heartedly. She couldn’t wait to take her little characters to school the next day. I think she even slept with them under her pillow.
The next day we were in a mad rush to get to school, as we often are, and somehow she accidentally dropped one between her bedroom and the car. When we got to school she was in a panic. Where was Waffle Sue!!? Her distress was palpable.
I wanted to be the tough mom and make her deal with the consequences of being late but as we stood in the crowd of parents and students during the weekly pep-rally, I just couldn’t do it. They were handing out awards that day and it was going on FOREVER. I know this is bad parenting but as they read off name after name after name, my eyes glazed over. I looked over at Bug mischievously and said, “Do you think going home to get Waffle Sue is worth a late notice?”
She nearly jumped for joy. Waffle Sue was SO worth a late notice in her eyes. She hasn’t had a late notice all year so we snuck off to the car like two delinquents. I know some people would probably shake their heads at this but hey, nobody’s reading!
We drove like the wind back home. She stayed in the car and I busted my butt up the stairs. I figured I’d retrace her steps and probably find it faster than she would. Sure enough, there was Waffle Sue, face down on the top step. I didn’t even have to unlock the door. I raced back to the car and drove as fast as I could safely back to school.
The whole trip probably took us less than 10 minutes and when we got back to school, kids were still milling around and not even in their classrooms yet. Bug probably could have snuck into class and nobody would have even known she was gone but she opted to take a late pass anyway. I thought it was kind of cool and she felt special.
After school I couldn’t wait to hear a full report on how much fun she had with her squigs. Did her friends have Waffle Sue too? Did they invent new games at recess? How did it all go over?
Poor Bug. She just looked down at the ground and said that her friends decided that Shopkins weren’t cool anymore. What?!!
Pfft! Kids, man.
But I’ll always treasure that memory anyway. Waffle Sue will always have a special spot in my heart.
And that has NOTHING to do with the picture above but I’m just going to let all my blogging rules go out the window because nobody is reading and I don’t care! Wooo hoo!
I’m signed up for my local CSA box that comes to the farm across the street. It’s the best thing ever. Except I can’t always keep up with all the greens. I’m struggling with what to do with cabbage. I’m not really a big slaw fan (though I do like it) and I seem to have it coming out my ears. But I love the box as a whole because it only costs $22 a week and my fridge is always bursting with the best of the best fresh vegetables. The other night I made myself a dinner of just pan-friend green beans in butter and nothing else and it was delicious!
I wish I could be on one of those shows where a chef comes to your house and cooks with whatever you have on hand. Somebody could cook a badass meal in my kitchen. Why can’t it be me?! But I’m trying. I’m getting better at cooking (besides burning things constantly with my electric stove). I’ve been cooking a lot with Payam and that always works out well.
Speaking of cooking and Payam and showing the people you love that you love them with food…I have some really big news that I’m a little scared to share but I’m really excited about too.
I’m moving in with Payam in August. I know. This is big. Living in sin and all that… But I’ve been married before and I don’t want to do it again. I feel one hundred percent committed to him and in my struggling-with-faith eyes, staying in this relationship every day feels like a bigger honor than a piece of paper. It’s been a long journey to this decision with some twists and turns that I can’t write about on the internet (even if nobody reads) but it feels right and I’m super excited about it. Both of our (conservative) families know and surprisingly, they are letting us go right on ahead and make this decision with less struggle than I expected.
Payam has a nice house with an extra bedroom for Bug so we are all very excited about blending families. We are also super excited about blending the pet famlilies. Three cats, one dog, YAY! And cooking together and just generally being a family. Tag-team parenting is so much better than single-parenting. I’m just scared for the teenage years but maybe it will be better with a partner.
I’m thinking so.
*I know some people are reading. (And I love you very much.) I think the latest wordpress update I did messed something up but I don’t care because it’s a good thing to write for yourself and not worry about who’s reading. Maybe I can keep it up.
71 Comments
Mom24_4evermom
I guess I’m your one reader, so I thought I ought to at least say hi. ;)
Congratulations. I hope you’ll be really, really happy.
Keep blogging. You inspire me to keep on keeping on. When you’re happy, I love reading what you write, and when you’re not so happy I love reading about that too because, you know, it’s nice knowing that everyone has their tough times.
I’m happy for you that the pieces of your life are fitting together.
I love the Waffle Sue story, BTW, right up until the point where the other kids ruined it for her. C’est la vie, I guess, but it kinda sucks.
Tamara Lang
I actually had clicked on earlier today to see if you had posted lately, so I’m claiming that one reader spot :)
And these are the posts I miss :) I’m so happy for you. You deserve to be loved, supported and happy.
Carrie
I don’t read any blogs anymore unless they show up in my facebook feed. I’m so glad this one did. I am so, so excited for this new chapter in your life! Payam sounds like a wonderful guy. You sound a lot more comfortable around him than Tobey. I had no idea that shopkins went on pencil tops. Elsa is obsessed with unpacking videos where people open up their surprise eggs and
shopkins, so we have a few around here.
Aspenroad
Love this post, congrats on your life changes. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. Been missing your blogs, I forget mine too. Take care. :)
Christine/Maud
That’s such exciting news – I wish you and your blended families all the very best. And I will continue to click over here because I love your pictures and your words, and I hope you don’t stop sharing them with all of us nobodies. :)
Annika
Brenda! You sound so happy! This is the best kind of post.
Kathryn S.
Yay! I’m so excited for you. Congratulations!
Jen Wilson
Kids can be so mean. I feel for Bug with her shopkins, but I’m glad she likes them anyway. :) And I think it is super rad that you guys ran home to get that one shopkin!
And CONGRATS on the moving in! I’m excited for your families to blend! And your pets!
Jen
It’s so good to hear unedited you. Congrats on the blending of families. I’m so happy for you. I had a good laugh at the Minecraft for four hours. I think there have been days that Molly and Audrey have done just that and I did nothing to stop them. Sisterly bonding, right? :D
My favorite easy, get rid of the cabbage in the fridge recipe is to chop bacon and fry it up, then add cabbage and sliced onions and cook it all up until soft and caramelized.
Isaida
I’ve been reading for years and will continue as long as your write. Congratulations on your big move. You deserve all the happiness!
Jeanette
congrats!! So happy to hear your good news. I love these kind of meandering posts. I agree with an earlier poster (reader) who said that it’s great to hear good news but also nice to read about struggles. Everyone has them & I like that your blog is honest.
Helena
Yay! I am so glad that you and Payam are taking the next step in your relationship! He sounds really lovely and having a blended family sounds like fun! Marriage is over-rated in my opinion! Of course I’ve never been married, so what do I know! I had a child out of wedlock *gasp* but nobody seems to care in Canada. Ha! ?
Courtney
I wanted to write a whole big comment about everything you wrote, but ultimately it comes down to this. I’m really, really happy for you!
P.S. My niece is obsessed with shopkins still. I don’t get it, at. All.
Louise
This post was so lovely and endearing to read. I don’t often click over, but saw it pop up in my Facebook feed and was intrigued. I am so glad that I did!
I have also gained weight this year and appreciated your outlook on it. Instead of begrudgingly listing exercise regimes or smoothie recipes, you are wearing fancy earrings. Love it.
Congrats on the moving in! Life is so much sweeter when you have someone to share it with. I hope for a smooth transition with the girls (and pets).
Bryan Varney
I definitely didn’t read any of this so take heart :-) And a great way to get rid of lots of cabbage is Boiled New England dinner. Google it if you don’t know already know about it. And about the struggling faith. If it wasn’t faith you wouldn’t be struggling. Sounds weird but just for fun randomly read through the gospel accounts and take note of who Jesus seemed to approve of and disapprove of. He’s far more impressed by the beating on the chest and asking for mercy than he is with praying on the street corner. God bless you and your “extended” family real good :-)… And give your folks my love of you see them <3
bethany
I loved every single bit of this post. Write like no one is reading ANY time you feel like it :). and soooo very happy for you and Payam! may it be every kind of awesome, and a smooth transition. love the new banner too, btw.
Susie
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you.
Calee
Always reading, never commenting!
Congratulations!
Lulu
Congratulations! I am always excited for other people’s new adventures! Details please.
Jaynette Ponnay
I stalk as usual. Comment seldom.
Life changes, family changes.
I still consider you part of my family. You deserve to be happy.
Rae
:)
Heike
thank you so much for your blog-posts. I love to read them always. I wish you all the best for you and payam.
Shannon
Another one who always reads but never comments (sorry!). So happy to hear about your good news. You guys seem really happy together and I’m happy that you’re happy! You look fantastic too. I think partnered life agrees with you :) I hope everything goes smoothly with the move!
Carlie
i read! Does it show if I read through bloglovin? My husband and kiddos moved in with me before we married as well! It’s the best having a partner and teammate at home, especially for these crazy teenage years… So just wanted to say congrats !!! I have enjoyed your posts for years and now following along on Instagram too. Excited to read how the transition goes!
SAJ
it does! thank you! :)
Julie
Great post! I thought I always read your blog…maybe I was the one person who showed up on the stats? Who knows. Congratulations on making the decision to move in together – I hope you will be really happy.
I really wish my daughter could meet Bug – they have always been so similar right from when they were toddlers, but sadly Scotland isn’t just round the corner! If she ever wants a pen-pal though!!
Sarah
Congratulations to you all – I’m really delighted for you. And I loved the happy chatter of this post :)
Maddie
Well over here in Australia, Shopkins are super popular! Or maybe it’s just my daughter… so feel free to come visit some time so our two can play shopkins all day long!! P.S Sooooo happy about you and Payam. Have followed your life on this blog since before both of our kids were born and I’ve never seen (read?) you happier than when you talk about him. I wish you both so much happiness xxx
mar
I read your blog from feedly.com, so not sure if it shows in your stats, but figured as a long time reader I’d come by and say congrats – I’m sure you and Payam (and your girls) will be deliriously happy together – can’t wait to read about your new lives together.
Also – extremely jealous of a $22 a month CSA box – I can’t get anything like that for less that about $75 a month around here!
SAJ
Yikes! I did write $22 a month! It’s $22 a week. Yeah, that would be a SCREAMIN’ deal. Fixing that typo now. :)
Chive
Yay! It’s been great to see you so loved up and adored recently. Glad its as good in real life as it looks online.
ines
Brenda- I have been reading your blog for over a decade and never comment. Just wanted you to know that I appreciate your candor and willingness to put yourself out there. And yes- I am reading through feedly mostly.
Sam
Don’t forget all of us reading from our blog feeds! I’ve been reading for years, but rarely comment. I had to delurk to congratulate you on your upcoming move in with Payam. It’s so nice to see you so content!
Wishing you all the best!
Melissa
I thought I was the one reader until I saw all the comments and your update that wordpress had a glitch. :-)
Rikki
I love your blog! I check everyday to see if you have any new posts. I admire you for having the courage to even write and be so open with your life. Congrats on the move and I hope you continue to bless us with your posts.
Tamara Tedd
You are amazing!! It’s been a tough go for you the last few years, and you’ve been honest (as able) about it all. You deserve every happiness that life brings you. Congrats on this next chapter of your love and life story. Please keep up the blogging when you can- looking forward to seeing “bug” grow into a “butterfly” (tween-ager etc)
Anna
Hi B. I admit I don’t come by often anymore…it’s kinda a guilt thing since Instagram killed my blog 4 years ago and I don’t visit mine anymore. Actually FB kinda got thrown under the bus with my blog, but today I happened to log on to look something up and your post was there at the top so I clicked and I’m glad I did. I love you. And when you blog. And your all the random news.
Elizabeth
I read your blog every time through feedly! I have heard it said that you have to create an account in feedly and the others like it to see how many “subscribers” you have since people rarely have to click on the post to see the entire thing.
Keep up the great stories!
BTW, I found you through my sis who told me that you call your daughter bug too. I thought I was the only one.
BeachMama
Never fear your readers will always come when you post :) I love your update post and am so happy for your and Payam, it will be wonderful for you and your blended families to be together. Looking forward to your next chapter!! xo
Elle
I’ve been reading your blog forever and a day. Rarely commenting, but I’ve enjoyed them and miss them when they are spaced out. Best wishes for your changing life.
Kimberly
Man, I thought *I* was the one reader. I’ll take #40 though. ;)
CONGRATULATIONS! I am so thrilled that you found such happiness after a long dark time. I had faith, though. :) Living in sin? Bah. Whatever. You and I are forty-blah years old and … nah. I don’t buy that.
(do we get to watch you decorate a house now?)
Kate
Congratulations! I regularly read your blog, so I along with everyone else, am claiming to be that one reader!
I am a single mother due to the death of my husband, and yes, the teen years are the worst. Glad that you seem to be getting ready for it!
Leah, agirlandaboy (@agirlandaboy)
I love you, and I’m SO HAPPY things are going well (aside from the middle-of-the-night anxiety). You’re the real deal, SAJ, and I like when you blog for no one too. :)
Kerry
I have read on the daily for years and years (I don’t subscribe, just have all my fave blogs “bookmarked” in my browser). I think you are pretty awesome all the time, but this post that no one is reading was extra fun. So shhh! No one is here! Carry on!
You rock. Happy for you and Payam and bug :)
Alison Z.
Brenda, I am so happy for you. I’m a newer reader who has been killing down time at work by reading your archives. I love you and your creative mind. I follow on IG too, love all your pictures. I can’t wait to hear all about life and your move in AUGUST!
Vanessa
I love this post. I see your adventures on Instagram more often and I’m terrible about clicking outside of Feedly and actually leaving a comment, but I did so today because you should know I read often even though I’m silent!
I’m upset for Bug, though. Darn those silly kids who come up with rules about the hip toys.
LB
I’ve also been reading since Bug was born and I will keep up as long as you keep writing. I love this post. So happy for you!
Susan:)
Well, I always read when you gave a new post up! And I always enjoy reading whatever you write. And you have such great photos too. I’m very happy for you and your upcoming new blending of families. It sounds exciting! I can’t wait to read all about it, and also how you may decorate! I love your style.
Cathy
You wouldn’t know me if you walked into me but I feel like I am your good friend that you’ve not met yet! haha Still, my reaction to reading that you are moving in with Payam that almost made me tear up a little at work, surprised me a bit but I’ve been pulling for you and Bug for awhile now! Am pretty certain many of your readers feel the same – we are out here, and we care, so blog away! So happy for you and Bug and your new family. :) Adored this post. p.s. Bug’s drawing of you is so you!
Leslie
I read your blog in feedly. So happy for you!!
Beck
You’re seriously the best at blogging. And a lot of other things. =) Love this post. Excited for you!
Lauren
Please pass on my congratulations to Payam. He’s getting a great live-in girlfriend. ;)
I’ve enjoyed reading about the two of you over the last year. I’m glad things are working out so nicely.