Stress Bubbles Over
I wish I was blogging every day so that I could just rant away about all the things that are making me angry right now and you could laugh with me because isn’t that just how life is? We have so many ups and downs and in context of all the great things that are happening in the bigger picture, these little annoyances are just SO LITTLE. Except I haven’t been blogging much at all and I’m not very good at seeing the bigger picture and all these little annoying things do NOT feel very little in the moment!!
Bah Humbug.
I’ve been perking on a post in my head for a few days now. It was going to be about how I like to carry my coffee cup everywhere with me and how it spills on me sometimes at the most inopportune times but I refuse to switch to a travel mug because I think my coffee tastes yucky in it. There’s something about an open cup and the taste of glass that is about a thousand times tastier than plastic. Especially now that I’m weight-watchering and I drink my coffee with a mere reflection of milk in it and no sugar and half the time it’s cold. I wanted to illustrate myself all mad (as I am these days more often than not) and then spill some coffee on my drawing but that didn’t work out as well as I planned when my coffee spill ran straight sideways instead of where I wanted it to go
And then Bug walked up and said, “Why are you always mad all the time?”
Deep Breath.
She hit the nail on the head. I’ve been mad for a week straight I think.
First the cancer scare (that I still need to set up ultrasound and bloodwork tests for but is most likely just in my head) then the divorce mental crap, then crying in the doctor’s office because maybe I’m pms-ing and it’s all just too much, school starting up (which is actually a good thing but new schedules are tricky) and then yesterday my car broke down and I spent the entire day dealing with that instead of cleaning my house, grocery shopping, doing laundry, getting paper and toner for my chingadero printer and otherwise enjoying my kid-free day by getting things done. Oh right, I need to make more money because my car and printer toner are SO EXPENSIVE!!
So here it is Sunday and I feel like I’ve gotten nothing done and on top of that I have no right to complain which makes me even madder. I have friends who have three kids or who’s husband died who NEVER get a day off. I should be thankful that I at least get one day off. I just….why can’t I appreciate the good things I have?
Deep breath.
I guess I just need to check in and say, I’m in the thick of it this week. How are you? Do you need a hug but you are too afraid to take hugs from friends because you know you’ll start crying and you don’t want to get all mushy in public? Do you rush into the bathroom and let it out quietly and then put eyedrops in so your eyes won’t be all red? Do you snap at your kids because you are trying to do five hundred things and you can’t think straight because they’ve interrupted you twenty-five times in the last minute? Do your friends text you late at night and ask you if you are ok and you tell them yes because you are sick of sounding like a complainer? Because you know you will be okay eventually. It’s just this week, right? Things will get better. They always do.
I’m ashamed. They say that how you act under pressure shows your true character and my true character is mad mad mad right now. I want to be gracious and pleasant and sweet. I want to share meaningful things and make people feel happier. But secretly deep down I’m a bubbling pot of stress. Not so secret actually. It’s bubbling out of my eyeballs and ears and if you interrupt me more than three times you might get burnt with my scalding temper. Poor Bug. Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why can’t I take it out on the car dealership or the stupid service provider who likes to spam me with emails that look like invoices but are actually sales pitches? That’s a whole blog post in itself…
So if you feel this way too. I understand.
P.S. All of you who have been there for me this week (Teri and Kylie, my neighbors…) and these last few years (Heather, Susan, Bethany , Calee and Deb, Carrien and so many others…family too), I hope I don’t seem ungrateful. I am.
21 Comments
Jen Wilson
I heard it once said, pain is pain is pain. There will always be people who have it worse than you do, but that does not discount what you are going through. It doesn’t make what you are dealing with any easier.
I’m so sorry all this crap is happening. It all just sucks a lot. I always feel crappy when I take it out on my kids, too, but good thing kids are so forgiving of our failure moments. :)
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. (((GIANT USELESS INTERNET HUG)))
Jen
I had a moment this morning where I was so stressed I almost threw up. Everybody was pulling me in every direction, while I was trying to get things done and I felt that stressy lump in my throat that just feels so awful. I hope that you are able to get to a better place. I’m working on it myself!
Becca
What Jen said ^^
Feel what you feel and know it’s okay to feel it. We all have crap and it’s okay to say that the crap you have right now is too much.
I will send good prayers or juju or whatever your way.
(((More internet hugs)))
beck
Take care of you, B. It’s okay to feel any way that you do. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just ARE. ((hug))
Katie
*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*AND A GIANT DELICIOUS YET MAGICALLY CALORIE FREE FANCY PANTS COFFEE DRINK THING* :D I hope life stops kicking you in the butt soon!
Gil
I love your rant! Rant away! We all get fed up with the overpowering minutia that demands our attention. My man and I call them mosquito problems. They don’t kill ya but they buzz and sting and certainly ruin the camping trip. Fight on! Your blog always brightens my day.
Amy
I am off work on stress leave. Because I really, really needed it. The first 5 days or so I was suzy sunshine released from her cage and happy as heck! Getting things done and so happy to do so.
This past week? Not so much. I am a huge Crabby Pants. No rhyme or reason just MAD! (Well it would help if the teen daughters could actually clean up after themselves and if gouty husband were a wee bit kinder while I nurse him. Sigh…
I hear you Secret Agent Josephine. Sometimes life can suck…!!
Happy to head back to work tomorrow on call. I miss my peeps.
Hugs to you and hoping this huge black cloud (shit) is short lived… In my experience it usually is..
Chin up and a hug from BC Canada and a long time reader.
Amy
carrien - she laughs at the days
I get mad too. I get mad at myself for all the ways I should have been more on top of things so that my melting kids aren’t melting down and I’m doing that thing where I’m trying to catch up and get ahead but it’s like digging out of a mud hole and I’m just pulling more down on top of myself and could you all just stop long enough for me to get my head clear and out in front again before you cause another disaster or another person falls apart in a way that needs my attention and puts everything else further behind. And I yell at the people I’m trying to help because can’t they just see that I’m trying to help them and be patient as they wait for it? Or, can’t they just see that I need a break and to put a whole sentence together in my head after hours of taking care of their needs and then get some work done?
And yet when people ask if I need help I say no, because I honestly can’t think of anything at the moment. Sometimes the things we need help with are so simple and routine and any grown up should have their shit together enough to not need help with these things that it’s embarrassing to admit that I could use help with that. If you were to ask me right now I would say, sort and put away the laundry. It would probably only take you 10 minutes and you would wonder why on earth I couldn’t get that done myself, but it’s been sitting there for a week now and I still haven’t gotten to it. Such is life.
Hugs friend. The good news is that we are loved as we are, and given the power to get up and try again when we fall down, and the possibility of doing it better tomorrow.
Love.
mamalang
OMG, the part about how adults should have their shit together enough, that made me tear up a bit. Cause yes, exactly.
margalit
I am absoluyely in the same place. I’m mad, mad, mad at the world right now. Coming home from the hospital always makes me feel pissed off. Kids make messes and leave them for me, my friends irl have all drifted away, sick of me being sick, my bio family continues to suck, I’m bored to tears and I feel like crap. A nurse killed my kindle so not only am I in the middle of a book that I will not finish and I have NOTHING to read. I’m right with you, soul sistah.
Aoife
I feel like this too. Thank you for putting words to it, this has really helped me today. Hope things are better soon. Love Ax
Karen
It’s okay to be grumpy and stressed out….the friends I love the most are the ones who arent’t afraid to admit when they’re having a bad week/day/month. Bug will be fine. You do such a great job with her and are amazing in the way you bring so much creativity into her life. I think the way we act under pressure is NOT indicative of who we are….I think it’s how we rebound and eventually get back on track that shows who we are. Sending you a hug from Portland today….take care of yourself!!
Susan:)
I know how you feel, different specifics, but the feelings are the same. Sometimes I get so mad and then think, i have no real reason to complain. Really my life is pretty good. But all the little things do pile up and stress you out.
Victoria
it’s ok to be how you’re feeling. don’t be hard on yourself for it.
Ami
Hoo boy, do I hear you. Having a rough month over here too (notified they are eliminating my department after 13 years, cat dying, car windshield busted and expensively repaired, kitchen faucet busted and required replacement, garage door busted, had to cancel a trip to DisneyWorld and eat the the security deposit). And I feel like a weak person when I admit that all those relatively “first world” problems have me feeling so defeated and deflated. But I learned a long time ago that telling myself I *shouldn’t* feel a certain way only makes me feel worse. You are allowed to feel crappy when crappy things happen! Acknowledge it, own it, claim it. The trick is to also remember to acknowledge, own, and claim the good things that undoubtedly happen too. Harder to see them in the darkest days, but the more you look for them, the more you find them. I have found that kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and my solution has just been to tell the kids flat out: Mommy is feeling discouraged today. I need a little space. I will do my best, but it might not be very good right now. They’ve kind of figured that all out already, but when you admit it, it takes the pressure off. Hang in there.
norm
Yep. I am having a month, and it has been relentless. If only I blogged, I could let off some steam! ;)
mamalang
So much good advice here, but I’ll throw mine in as well.
I spent Saturday in a cranky, crying at the drop of a pin, mood. And I don’t know why. Stress, exhaustion, and an about to be diagnosed infection…all of them probably contributed.
And I do the same thing. I beat myself up and tell myself how good I have it.
And I do. But sometimes, it still makes me angry.
A wise friend once told me it’s easier to get eaten by an alligator than pecked to death by ducks. And that is it right there.
Prayer, hugs, and good thoughts. And seriously, those friends won’t think you are a complainer. I promise.
Heather Sanders
It is okay to be mad. It is also okay to be honest about being mad. What is not okay is holding it all in, because OH MY! does it ever make a mess when it bubbles over.
Loving you! :)
leslie
can we have a weekly “talking-appointment”, please?
even though you don’t know me AT ALL, i think you’ll get me. and boy am i mad when i’m stressed. and my sister once told me, that this whole “acting under stress shows your true character”-thing is a myth to her. our character is shown all the time, every day, every second, not just in the thick of it. and you know what? i agree. because, wouldn’t that be a really sad&mad&angry world, if only “in bad times” people would be true to themselves?
please start blogging regulary again. i miss you&your voice out here!
sending some peace {i start singing when the madness starts to overwhelm me}.
have a good day!
Ellen
I have one word for you: perimenopause. It is making me crazy and angry, too.
bethany actually
Dude, I had to comment on this old post and say, what you’re like under pressure does not show your true character! It might show a little of your personality, but for crying out loud, NOT your true character. Everyone gets mad and loses it sometimes, especially in times of stress! You are not the sum of your worst moments, no no no! So just stop that kind of thinking right here. :-)