the deep end of the roller coaster

When I look at this face, I think, why would I want to have another child? She is so perfect. Why screw up something that is already good? I’m thirty-six, the chances of having a high-needs child have sky-rocketed. I think I could handle taking care of another person but I’m not sure. I’m full of doubt. I’m scared. I’m tired of the “trying to get pregnant” roller coaster. I know. I shouldn’t complain. There are so many people out there who have suffered great sacrifices and terrible pain. I’ve done next to nothing to fix my infertility problems. I know God has a plan for me and I should just sit and wait it out. But you know how that goes. Human fretting. It’s such a hard habit to break.

She is the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s my life. My morning and my night and everything in between. I just want to give her a brother or a sister so she can have what I had and still have. I love my brother. We always took on the world together. I was never alone. My brother and I never really talk much but I know he’s there. He is always there for me. I could call him up any time of the day or night and he would help me move the moon if I wanted it moved.

I don’t want her to be alone. She needs a team member like I always had so she can take on what life throws at her. Who knows, she’ll need somebody to help her put up with me when I get old. I know I’m going to be one of those crazy whacky old mothers who plays all sorts of mental games on her. I don’t want to be like that but I don’t have the best track history.

So we try and we try and we try and while the trying part is fun and all, the not-getting-pregnant part is brutal. And yes, I know. I know I need to go see a doctor and see if there is really something wrong with me. I don’t even have a doctor right now so I don’t deserve to complain about this. I have to take the time to wade through the insurance crap (that we pay dearly for…man it’s so expensive!) and do the work it takes.

Maybe she will be okay on her own. I’ve talked to lots and lots of only children and they say it’s all fine. I guess it’s sort of like when you don’t have children. There is part of you that freaks out thinking you’ll die alone but in reality there are children all around you. Whether they are your friend’s children or your nieces and nephews, there are always children. I know firsthand that I love my nieces and nephews like my own. You don’t die alone if you don’t want to.

Whatever way it goes I just need to buck up and enjoy this life while I have it. I have so much. I know I should keep these matters private. They are really. I don’t want to discuss fertility until the end of time. I have my books on the subject. I know what I need to do. I just sort of wanted a hug from someone during this scary bottom part of the emotional roller coaster ride.

I’m going to hold what I have tighter and tighter. I’m so thankful for her.