decisions reversed

This post is from Sock Mom from One Small Sock. Thank you, Sock Mom!

I look at my sleeping son in his swing – he is so beautiful and so peaceful that I cannot believe any human being can be so perfect, and so free of care.

Every day I marvel at the fact that I am a mom. Sure, it might seem normal to the rest of you – people have babies every day, lots and lots of them. But I never thought I would be a mother. It didn’t seem like something I would want or need to do.

In fact, one day in third grade, we saw “The Miracle of Birth” and I came home proclaiming loudly and often that I was NEVER going to do THAT. Over time my proclamation evolved – not only was I never going to give birth to a child, I was never going to have one at all. This stance lasted through elementary school, through junior high, high school, college, into my thirties, and well into marriage. I just couldn’t picture it. Children require raising and how exactly would I do that? My motto used to be – no pets, no plants, no kids.

And I felt lucky – no one ever pressured me to have children. Not my husband (he never wanted any, either) not my parents, not my in-laws. The only woman who ever gave me a hard time about not wanting kids was one woman, at my job. She was totally sure that some day I would change my mind.

And I did, seven years later! What can I say, my biological clock went off late. Really late. I woke up one morning at thirty-six and I said – “yes, let’s have one!” And it didn’t happen overnight. First there were the conversations with my husband. We both went a little gray just thinking about the responsibility of a child. Then, came the trying, with no success.

Then I decided to quit my job – see if stress was hampering the process. And what do you know, six weeks later I was pregnant. And I LOVED being pregnant, despite the stabbing pains in my bladder, the endless doctors appointments, and the gestational diabetes. And the worry – dear lord, the worry. Everything I ate. Everything I drank – and drank out of. Every lotion, every headache, every everything. Yes, I was one of THOSE. People used to say – “I bet you can’t wait to get him out!” I would always answer no – he was safer in!

But a few days less than 40 weeks, my little man decided enough was enough, and came just in time for us to miss the Oscar party I was hoping to go to. Ah well, instead of finding out that No Country For Old Men won best picture – I was in labor instead. It was very interesting, the labor experience. Interesting in the “are you sure he isn’t going to just rip out through the base of my spine?” kind of way.

We ended up having a c-section, and my husband says that as soon as they got him out and handed him the baby, his life changed forever. I have to admit that when I heard the crying, it was hard for me to believe that was MY baby. My little internal companion who kicked and rolled over and made me sleep on my left side for all those months – I wasn’t ready for him to be out!

I guess you are never REALLY ready. And to be honest those first few weeks and even months are a blur. Now we have been together for almost half a year, my little family of three. And even though we are poorer, have much less sleep and much more stress, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I just need to poke my little man in the belly and hear his beautiful laugh to feel so, so glad I changed my mind about having kids.

If you would like to guest post on this website, please email me (SAJ). I will be posting guest posts from now until September 15th.