I’m starting to feel silly writing about staying home every day. If it weren’t for the incredible cuteness of the baby and all my family members who need to get a peek, I’d wonder why anybody read any more. I just don’t have that many crazy adventures. (Not that I ever did, really, but that’s beside the point.)

So what’s the big news for today? Our heater got fixed yesterday!!! Hallelujah! It’s a miracle!

The saga of the heater is a long long story involving two different landlords and it’s mostly boring, so I’ll skip it. It’s been broken for about ten years. We usually just suffer when it gets cold because it only gets cold for about two weeks a year anyway. We bundle up in sweats and knitted caps and shuffle around the house from the glow of one space heater to the next. We can’t turn on too many space heaters because that blows a fuse and half of our house loses power.

Of course it’s always the half of the house that has Toby’s super computers in it that loses power. I have notes posted on the microwave saying “check with Toby first before using” because a power outage means hours and hours of frustration for Toby. It also means we’ve spent many many dollars on back up batteries for the super computers. And then the back up batteries messed with our wi-fi and that’s a long boring story too. You get the point. It’s all an ass pain. Winter sucks.

So yesterday when a repairman (who happened to be named “Roman” and he sounded a bit like Dracula when he spoke) came and fixed our heater, it was glorious. Heat! We have heat! Never mind the fact that the heater is about a million years old and they don’t even make parts for it anymore. It works! Roman installed some shiny new copper wires in it and advised me to call a gas man as soon as possible to check and make sure it’s not spewing carbon monoxide. I will do that today.

I’m hoping the fact that our windows don’t seal will save us from carbon monoxide poisoning. There is always a huge draft coming in from the two inch gap between the glass panels. So far we made it through the night. And boy, was it a cozy night! Wooo Hooo!

I forgot what it’s like to walk from room to room and not ache from being cold! Usually we have this complicated system where we only heat one room at a time. We have to prop the doors three inches from being completely closed with a slipper or a shoe to keep the cats from busting the door wide open and letting all the warm air out. We can’t close doors all the way because that would result in clawing and pawing and yowling at the door all night long and keeping us awake. You can imagine how complicated this system gets at three in the morning when I have a crying baby in one arm, boobs that leak and hurt, it’s dark and I have about fifty layers of bulky clothing on.

Last night was wonderful. I fell asleep in front of the television! This morning, even more wonderful. I could actually take the baby into the kitchen with me while I made my morning cup of Ovaltine (my new healthy alternative to hot chocolate)! My feet weren’t freezing. It wasn’t torture to lift my shirt up to nurse and hold all fifty layers of clothing up out of baby’s face with my chin. I could actually just wear one shirt. But the best part? I could choose what room to nurse her in. I didn’t have to stick to my nursing chair huddled in front of the space heater. I could actually watch tv and nurse at the same time! Life is good.

To dispel the doom and gloom of yesterday, I decided to take the bug out for a walk. Getting out and about always cheers me up. The problem is, these days I start everything way too late. I didn’t get outside until about 5 pm and it was freezing cold!!!! Well, for Southern California it was cold. I’d say it was about 50 degrees farenheit, which to me is like 29 degrees below zero. Brrrrrrrrrrr!

I bundled Baby Bug up in long pants, a onsie with long fold-over sleeves, some socks that actually stay on (Trumpettes by the way, best baby socks ever! Thank you Kate.) a hat and a blanket! I bundled myself up in a thin sweatshirt and my old favorite red beanie. I’ve missed my old red beanie.

I didn’t wear it for my entire pregnancy because I thought it made my face look round and chubby. I do not like my round and chubby face. Never mind that it’s genetics and the sooner I embrace it the better. But now, post pregnancy, I’m a new woman! There’s nothing like being pregnant to make you feel incredibly skinny when it’s all over. I love stepping on the scale these days. No matter what I eat, I keep losing weight. Just like you all predicted, the pounds are falling off.

But I was talking about my walk in the arctic. It was freezing cold and I felt guilty for taking Baby Bug out in the ice cold breeze. But she seemed comfortable enough, all snuggled up in a sling and threatening to smother herself to death in my chest. She slept for the entire walk.

On our way back home, I crossed paths with a couple who also had a baby. The dad had a sling strapped to his chest just like mine. I couldn’t help myself, it was like we belonged to the same club or something. I stopped them and asked them how old their baby was. “Five weeks, going on six,” said the dad. Then the mom, with bags under her eyes and a big baggy un-tucked shirt said, “Isn’t it nice to get out and feel human again?”

It is. I agreed. It is.

Now that Baby Bug has a full blown case of baby acne, I’m wondering if the same hormones that are messing with her body are the ones that are playing ping pong with mine. She woke up this morning with spots everywhere. On her cheeks, on her neck and even on the back of her head. I woke up crying. I hope it will pass.

It’s funny. I know I’m doing a good job being a mom. Baby Bug is getting chubbier every day. But the nursing just seems so unnatural sometimes. I guess I always thought I’d be like Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon and the baby would find her way to my nipple all by herself. I didn’t realize how agonizing it would be to not be able to make your baby happy over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like such a failure. I know I’m not. But it’s hard to not feel like one.

I figure it’s just hormones. Not full blown postpartum blues. Just a case of the neglatives. You know, when everything in your house seems dirty and if the cat throws up one more time in your favorite pair of shoes, you swear you are going to throw the cat out the window.

When Toby and I couldn’t agree on what design we should go with for our month-late birth announcements, I completely fell apart. I started questioning my whole identity. If I’m not a good designer any more, then who am I? Should I take my whole website down because I feel like my work is flat and I can’t figure out how to get my gallery pages back up? The doubts rained down on me like hail.

I know I’m a mom now and that is the best job I can ever have…but is that enough? Will I disappear into diaper-and-spit-up-land and be forgotten? And why am I so driven by praise? Isn’t doing what’s right for Baby Bug enough? Why do I feel like I need a cheering section just to get through the day?